Soliciting help from successful couples

Since you didn’t provide many details, I’m going to respond to you as if you were my WS. Since I can very well see him posting something like this, and since there are clues in your post that you may very well be like him, I’m not sure it will do any good, but hopefully I’m wrong. This will be long so bear with me.

Have you tried looking at yourself? Actual humility? From the wording of your post “my BS is throwing in the towel” it sounds to me like you’re more concerned about not being the bad guy than you are actually working on you. Have you done the things that they told you to do in counseling? Or have you withheld them and given some excuse, usually blaming your BS, as to why you didn’t? Nothing in your post sounds like someone who has actually taken responsibility for the state your marriage is in. And I don’t just mean the infidelity, I mean the “year full of arguments” too. Why don’t you try changing something about the way you perceive and respond to your BS to see if that helps you NOT argue? And while the phrase “throwing in the towel” pushes all the responsibility for a failed reconciliation into your BS, it’s also probably very accurate, meaning “I’m exhausted, I’m beaten down, I’ve tried everything. I’ve lost hope because this seems insurmountable, I can’t do it anymore.” But why does BS feel this way? It’s because of you. And if your sitting there telling yourself “no, it’s not me, I’ve done everything, BS just doesn’t want to get over it.” Then you can be DOUBLY sure it’s because of you. You are making the reconciliation harder too. I’m not saying BS has been perfect. I’m sure there’s been a lot of things that he/she’s done wrong, but I’m also sure that nobody is ever prepared to be in that position. But does your BS’s poor handling of pain give you an excuse to not do what you can to try to ease that which you inflicted?

Have you ever used the phrases/excuses “It’s never enough” or “you’re never going to forgive me” or “I don’t deserve to be treated like this” (or it’s twin, the poor me “I guess this I what I deserve because I’m a WS and I’m supposed to be treated like shit forever.”) If so I can guarantee you that you’re the majority of the problem. Your perception is the problem and you’re probably living a life of false narrative and confirmation bias, designed to make yourself feel like you’re “not that bad.”

If you want the reconciliation to work, stop thinking about you. Stop propping up the false self-image and realize what you did. Really feel empathy for how much hurt you inflicted. understand how much it means that BS was willing to forgive and try to reconcile, how much love that means he/she has for you, and how undeserving you are of forgiveness. Nobody is entitled to forgiveness. It’s an oxymoron. If you really understood what it cost your BS to be willing to extend it, you would have some gratitude. Gratitude and humility, if it’s real, will transform the way you see this whole situation. It will completely change the game in many ways. Its only fear that’s preventing you from doing this. It’s also fear that causes people to dodge responsibility, to blame others, to get defensive, to get lost in self-deception and ego. Fear of admitting to themselves and others how shitty of a person they have actually been. They don’t want to see themselves that way and they certainly don’t want others to. But if you refuse to acknowledge it, you can’t change it, and if you can’t change it, you stay the same shitty person, and you’re only made shittier by the false image. It’s so much stronger and braver to lay it all out there and admit to it because that’s the only way you can begin to fix the things that made you that way so you can truly stop being a shitty person. Imagine how good it will feel not to have to deal with all of that anymore? And I say this as someone who has been a shitty person and hurt others myself. We’ve all done that. You’re not special or worse anymore than you are better than anyone else, AS LONG AS YOU REALIZE that you are capable too of being a shitty person.

Sorry this was so long, but the subject and the language of the post obviously hit a nerve with me and what I’ve been dealing with for 3 years. This may be nowhere in the ballpark as far as what’s going on, but I’m sure there’s some truth in it for any WS.

/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity Thread