I've never been really truly honest with even my SO on why I'm transitioning. Until recently I only just realized myself. I haven't written a single post either. Maybe I didn't think anyone would understand or similarly think I was a fraud. Deep inside I knew my feelings were my own on this and I accept them to be true.

I really want to thank you for posting this as it mirrors so much of my life and feeling towards who and what I am. Shame has always been a huge part of what I believe currently make it hard for me to express emotion. To this day I find it difficult to cry no matter how stressed or upset I am. Years of forcing the thought that boys don't cry and the shame of being thought of as anything less can really fuck you up.

The only part that differs but only slightly was your drug trip. During a heavy bout of depression and self medication I had been abusing just about any drug I could get my hands on. I found my favorite for a while to be nitrous. They say the best way to describe nitrous is to instantly feel the divine for a moment and for an eternity then instantly be torn back to reality. For the longest time I abused them and I use the term abused loosely because I enjoyed to no end.

And then one day, they stopped working. And I was angry, and upset that the universe did not want to talk to me anymore. I kept trying cartridge after cartridge and the universe never once spoke back. I moved on from it and for a while I began to forget what it even felt like anymore to commune with the divine.

Sometime after this I finally came out to my SO that I was considering transitioning. My reasons were warped and still trapped inside my mind. I found all too often that it felt like I was on auto-pilot. I came out to my mother, I came out to friends. I even just recently started HRT all the while never really being able to explain why I'm doing this and being nervous that my reasons just weren't good enough and that I didn't deserve to transition cause I didn't have the classic struggle.

One day a little while back I had the urge to buy a box of nitrous chargers for old times sake. I was sure I was wasting my time and that I would never feel what I used to... I was wrong.

In an instant I understood everything I was doing with my life and I felt the universe speak to me again and in that same instance I had a flood of memories come back to me of moments of past profundity on my life. Overwhelmed with joy, I wept and I laughed. I wept because I finally remembered that this is exactly what I wanted. I remember distinctly thinking that even though it was what I wanted I could never transition because I couldn't bare the shame of exposing that this guy everyone knew, was a lie. I remembered thinking to myself the only way I could ever get past the shame is if I was on auto-pilot and wished that I could be. I laughed because the universe stopped talking to me so I could focus on my what I really wanted and that it allowed me to... just do. And so I did and although I know most won't understand why all this make sense to me I know that at the end of the day it is what makes me happy and it's exactly what I've always wanted.

And that's how I started my journey to being the girl I always wanted to be. The universe taught me how to repress the shame and how to feel again. The universe only spoke to me again that one time, perhaps it knows there's still more to do with my life and although it makes me sad that I can't commune with the divine again, I'm still happier than I've ever been. Have to keep moving forward, have to be me.