“Just go with it.” She said in a low mumble through clenched teeth.
“Do I have to? I’m really not comfortable with this.”
“Yes, you have to.”
“Well. Is this really necessary?”
“Yes. Do you really love me?”
“Yes. Of course.”
“Great. Now let’s go back to the living room and get on with it.”
“God help me.”
“I’ll let you put it anywhere you want after they leave.” She said seductively.
“Anywhere?”
“Anywhere. Except from the 8 holes I’m discharging from of course. That still leaves you with 13.”
“Fine. But I want blackjack as soon as the others clear up.”
“Fine.”
“And…”
“You’re pushing it.”
“Just one more thing.”
“What is it?”
“I want barber shop pole.”
“I don’t even know if I can do that.”
“If you can strangle a ferret with it…”
“Daddy is starting to rattle. We better get over there.”
Conrad made his way over to the living room. To his dismay, what just a short conversation ago was euueaieaaia’s parents became a family reunion. Conrad looked back at euueaieaaia in horror, only to be treated to the universal ‘don’t you fucking embarrass me’ glare from his extraterrestrial girlfriend. He realized his clothes were off once he felt the draft down below. There was no turning back now. Conrad turned beet red. He agreed to let her father inspect him, not the whole family.
“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Asked euueaieaaia as she walked back with Conrad to their bedroom, her whole family standing behind them, rattling in unison.
“It’s not what I expected.”
“FFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! She laughed uncontrollably. “What’d you expect, an anal probe? FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!”
“Stop laughing!” What was the point of that?”
“I’m not laugh-ffffFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”
“And why did the kids have to be there?”
“They’re a part of the family.”
“Well, the kid with the shifty eye kept flicking my dick and my balls. That hurt. Why did they let him do that?”
“Conrad, he’s just a child.”
“If I would have been able to move I would have smacked him. And what did your dad think was going to happen by blowing in it like it was an inflatable raft? That was awful.”
“They’re just curious, sweetie.”
“Well, couldn’t they have been curious about my hands or my elbows, or my ears?” They just all took turns swatting at my dick while purring like it was cat nip, then all laugh their assholeless asses off like it was just the funniest shit they’ve ever seen!”
“Well, what did you expect?”
“I don’t know. Well, an anal probe, I guess. What was the point of that? Do they do that to your kind too?”
“Don’t be silly. They can’t.”
“So they just came up with this ritual on the spot so they can take turns toying with my dick for 5 hours?”
Euueaieaaia fell silent.
"What aren't you telling me?" Asked Conrad.
“The stuff you have inside. The sticky stuff. They wanted it.” She finally said.
“What?” When were you going to tell me this?”
“I’m telling you now.”
“What did they want with it?”
“They just wanted to find out how to extract it. They already have enough of it. I’m not going to tell them though. I don’t want anyone else to have you.”
“Wait, what do you mean ‘they have enough’?”
“Well, what do you think I’ve been doing with it all these months?”
“I don’t fucking know! What have you been doing with it?”
Conrad had just finished guzzling his 2nd fifth of rum. Rum was the only way he could recount his ordeal, even 20 years after the fact: hundreds of millions of him, being used for slave labor in a nearly uninhabitable planet in some distant galaxy. Euueaieaaia finally told everyone how it’s done after they broke up. This ensured that this race of Hims that he unwittingly spawned would continue to be enslaved and tortured for countless eons into the future. His Brother was always lecturing him - and this was, without rivals, the worst case of thinking with your dick in recorded history.
“Well –“ his brother Conan began to say
“Don’t.” said Conrad, recognizing his tone.
“I always tol-“
“Get out of my house, Conan.”
Conan gathered his things and stumbled down the stairs of the porch they had both been sharing drinks and conversation on the entire evening. Conrad glared at his older brother as he made his way to his rusty 2088 Drago Convertible. Conan put his finger in the ignition and took a deep breath as he readied himself to make his journey back home halfway across the continent.
“Told you that bitch was no good.”