Thank you, your reply is really reassuring. You're 100% right, part of the reason why I so thoroughly cut him off was because of the control issue and inability to reason. He's mentally ill and unfortunately hid it in a way where he slowly changed over the years. I'm sort of like the boiling frog, I got used to it until it reached a certain point after he trapped me with the kids. I have NEVER known a person like this before, absolutely obsessed only with ego and control in the grossest, spoiled, juvenile ways imaginable. Picture the teenager who yells at his mommy because his pizza is taking too long. What's disturbing is that he obviously knew about this aspect of himself enough to hide it from me and disguise it.
Since the breakup he's had zero control for so long and after hearing what he said yesterday (we had a mediation yesterday over the phone which is where I heard a lot of his lies) it's obvious that he's still stewing over everything even a year later. (And almost 2 years since I left!) He started bringing issues up from October and November 2019, things that were decided in the agreement, so I hope he makes himself look petty in court.
Your response is really reassuring because that's the strategy I've decided on but it's easy to feel like it isn't working long term or like I'm vulnerable. I cut off all communication unless it's about the kids and even that is VERY brief and always documented. (Although when he drops them off he'll throw an insult at me scaring the kids or say something he doesn't want documented.)
I'm trying my best to do what's right and when you get random attacks or attempts at attacks it can feel alienating and exhausting especially because, understandably, nobody really wants to listen and they think it's all petty name calling. Trying to hack someone and thinking you can frame them speaks to a state of mind that is way beyond petty name calling.
For instance I don't know what he said to my old neighbor (probably lies about drugs going by that email, no I don't use drugs by the way, what's funny is that he smoked weed 24/7 (I have pictures as evidence)) but she suddenly called child protective services on me and they came to the house. Maybe he hoped it would go on record for custody? (Meanwhile he's taken the kids to multiple parties during the pandemic without asking me first and without telling me when I live with an at risk person! The kids always have a cough or are unwell when they get back because he has mold and they seem to come back with pretty bad injuries more often than not so I, after he took them to a pandemic party, I called CYS.)
Nothing came of it but when you're doing everything right, trying to be as ethical as possible, and he's doing all this vile stuff for basically no reason without punishment it just feels terrible. He hides this stuff too and this stuff happened pre divorce too, just on a less extreme scale. I feel trapped with no out sometimes.
I missed our support hearing (I called the court and gave them my new number, nobody called and they told me they had my old number) but didn't want any support anyway. But when I saw what he said during it it blew my mind. EVERYTHING was false. He'd invented all these fictional events, like he's living a fictional life where I'm in touch with him. It's all so surreal, I hope this new lawyer is helpful and is able to argue for me effectively. This lunatic is, like you said, obsessed with "winning" when this isn't a game. I don't want to be around someone so vile and that seems to have put him into an obsessed loop, he needs to move on, it's truly pathetic.
Anyway I'll be doing everything through the lawyer and hopefully he shuts all this crap down. Thanks again.