Something I’ve noticed in the healing process

Hi! I actually went through this with my mother this year. Back story: My Ndad was extremely mentally and physically abusive. Typical ignorant old fashioned Mediterranean mentality topped with severe violent black outs that only worsened with years.

I had my dad arrested for domestic violence in 2010 and my mom obtained a 2 1/2 year restraining order against her and my 2 underage siblings at the time. My other brother and I were over 18 then, so no deal there. My bro2 and I were the scapegoat while bro1 was GC. My mom was textbook battered wife having been with him for 30+ years. Financially and mentally controlled since 17 y/o.

It took 8 years for my mom to let go. At first we felt that understanding her pain and helping her was the upmost priority but over the years we realized that coddling her pain and listening to her rant about my Ndad made it worse for her to heal. She would just not shut up or move on and it became her only focal point in life. While it is important for battered wives to purge and heal, they must understand that that period or their life is over. It is also important for the abused children to understand that the abuse is over, if the parent consistently brings it up, the children will never fully move on either.

This year, my siblings and I had to be firm with my mom and not allow her to speak about Ndad. I eventually had to reach out to extended family members and ask them to not speak about anything related to Ndad. It was hard at first and I felt tremendous guilty because I felt like I wasn’t letting her heal but really, we were doing her a huge favor. My siblings and I focused on the pros of how healthier our current life was, and made her focus on how happier and better off we were. It didn’t seem like much but the combination of all those things helped her understand how exhausted and finished with that whole traumatic and dramatic part of our lives. We were sick of re-living and re-hashing the same dramatic shit every time. She was incredibly dependent of us emotionally - but really it’s because we let her do it. We were completely enabling her, forgetting that we too, had a lot of healing to do.

Do not allow extended periods of victimization from your mother. My mother became comfortable in the pity and attention her story gave her- It isn’t healthy and the people around her will eventually tire of hearing the same hamster wheel drama. Be firm with her but always nice.

For a long time I would listen, coddle and let her get riled up with anger but when I realized it was getting emotionally toxic , I just snapped at her one day and became resentful for months. It was the biggest mistake. I realized that I was just perpetuating angst and emotional abuse by being angry at my mom because of our trauma. We were now fighting amongst each other, and you don’t want that. You all need to stay strong, move forward but not let yourself get side tracked.

So we established healthy boundaries and explained to her why we felt it was nice change. We wanted normalcy and to stop living feeling sorry for our situation. Be patient BUT firm. She is free now and has so much to live for! Your family is stronger without him! Your dad didn’t deserve you and neither did mine to us. Good for you guys for walking away and remember your mom did the hardest thing any partner can do.

I would always remind my mom how she would yearn and cry for a life without my father, and now that she has it she isn’t even enjoying it because she wants to relive the trauma. Her new life is happening now! I would remind my mom that by living in the past, she was still allowing emotional control from my dad.

Be patient. She will come out of it!

Best of luck

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