Dude.. I'm sorry for everything you've been through and are going through. That's all really heavy and there's really nothing that can make that better for you right now. I'm sure you're tired of hearing that 'time heals all wounds' but it really is the only thing that can help. But it can only help if you allow it to.

It's like you have two options. Resign to the misery you're currently suffocating in or make a change. There's no guarantee that the first change you try will work and you might need to try other things. But there is hope that it would. There's no hope if you stay the same.

You don't deserve pain. If you're anything like me, your thoughts say otherwise. I accepted the misery for a few reasons. Among which were because I felt hopeless, because I didn't believe I deserved better, and because the familiarity and predictability was easier for me to process and understand.

Try to reframe your thoughts. When you think of why it'd be easier to use, remind yourself of one negative consequence. Like when you make a pros and cons list. I don't expect to forget about the relief it brings, the good times I've had high, the intimacy and fun and everything else. But I do often forget the nightmare that followed.

Personally, I always counted on my future self to make things better. But obviously that persists and I am always 'planning to get better.' I had to realize my future self would be less equipped to handle it and she's done a piss job at it so far. So I'm stuck in hating myself for decisions I've made in the past and hoping I can make better ones later but I never just accept that I need to start now. I am presently the 'future me' that 'past me' thought could get it together.

And I really did see my future self as someone else, I couldn't identify with 'her' and that's why I always chose instant gratification over long term benefits.

Anyways, sorry for the long (and probably rambling) reply. You can do this, my dude. And there's support here for you. Feel free to hit me up if you want to talk or vent or anything.