I'm in a really shit situation where i can't take any time off school because the school loans are how I even have housing, I have really bad credit due to never paying them, and with worsening hallucinations and a long history of PTSD, anxiety, and depression I can only even get up in the morning after I take the alcohol next to my bed

I don't want o be addicted but its literally all I can do to get up now. And every hour I'm not drunk is spent in such agonising pain that I'm basically nonfunctional

I go to survivors meetings for sexual assault (which I was by someone for 4 years as the cost of being able to live with them) and I have a therapist but this isn't helping enough. I'm slipping really hard every day and my grades are too. The rule of me being here in this country is that I study and study well. If I get shit grades then I don't get to stay regardless of why I'm here.

And I'm only here because it was my desperate move to escape that abusive home. But if I can't stay here, then I get sent back there. My ex helped me with so much with this, but our relationship became one-sided and this pissed her off so so much, like how paranoid I got she was about to leave, like she did in the past.

And that's not even taking into account how much I miss her and how much it hurts she's gone and it seems like she doesn't seem to care anymore… like

I could've ended up better, and she helped me with everything, but now I'm in a freefall where any "help" option won't save my immediate future, and my immediate future is really really bleak. It's not just a matter of doing more, I've tried, I've tried to build a support network and even do responsibilities after my classes but it crumbles each time I try because I'm not mentally well enough to even do that.

Just three hours into a "clean" day and I break down in the classroom and am reduced to a shaking, crying mess on the sofa outside. i don't feel safe anymore. I felt safe with her. I had some of these issues back then even, but I felt safe, and so I felt I could put it off until my immediate things were taken care of

But now I'm in a worse spot than ever, and unfortunately my attempt to end it last night failed, again.

I need her, and I need the world to freeze so that I can try to untangle this fucking mess. But nothing else is going to move. I can't even miss one more class or I fail. I can't get hospitalised and I have been before, with crippling debt to add to the student one, and it didn't actually help me, it just contributed to the PTSD because of how much they look like psych wards for the insane, all kinds of fucking soft shit everywhere, no soap, no knives, or forks, all things like pencils and pens put away, no internet usage

Because of my unique situation of essentially having my entire social life on the internet, with internet people, being cut off like that didn't help. It just tore away a necessary part of human development - socialisation, from me. This shit sucks and I want out. I'm going to end up dead somehow at this rate but here I am still fucking trying, partially to spite everyone who thinks that all I need is to just keep going, without really seeing why there's no real future like this, in the hopes that someone will finally see mercy killing is a good option.