I don't know. It opened when I clicked the app. I don't know. I heard myself legitimately yell I'm not crazy you're fucking crazy a few weeks ago, I caught myself sincerely thinking man, I feel so good I don't even need meds now. I'm running across traffic again, I had to vault a car yesterday and I remember how completely amazing it felt to do it. I'm so scared of sleeping because I have night terrors so fucking often, I'm ripped out of bed by my hair like a ragdoll and this thing puts its face right up in mine and in extreme detail describes how it will hurt every last person I love, because it knows that that's the only thing that really hurts me. I self medicate to stay awake long enough to where when I sleep its just black until I wake up. I barely even use heroin anymore because I have a "daughter" that misses me so much and I promised I'd see her. But without it I'm back to the kid who was so fucking crippled with fear and anxiety that he fucked up guaranteed full ride scholarships to Cal and Cal Poly because he was physically incapable of getting out of his car to go to the meetings. This thing is real because I believe it is, I know its in my head, but that doesn't mean it's not real. I've been ignoring it, it feels like you're being hunted, stalked, observed. The first time it got me when I had just woken up. It tried again the same way, but I was ready for it and it didn't work. The third time it got me when my best friend overdosed and I was alone with a body with absolutely no one around to remind me what was real and what wasn't. I'm scared that I can't ever be weak ever again, I can't. But since I've changed and become confident and love myself and gained surety I see myself getting arrogant. I've started to believe that it couldn't possibly get me now cause I'd handle it no problem..and that's the same as being weak its just as dangerous. I literally am physically incapable of ending my own life, but I've been impulsively doing things that could easily kill me and its like I blank out and I'm on autopilot. Fuck, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even responded to this. I'm sitting in the parking lot of my o bachans apartment complex, I can't even get out of my car. But I want to go downtown so I can see people doing people things and being happy and see how they do it. Fuck dude, I apologize for all of this. It's really not important. I shouldn't have posted that in the first place but I got rid of my Facebook today and that's where the writer's circle I started is. my 2nd most favorite ex is calling me now I'm gonna talk to manda for a little while. <3alexander