I talked to the father of a close friend{Harvard doctorate in clinical psych}, we did a therapy session or two when I was back home in Bangkok and he referred to me to a specialist who he knew in Berlin{I was in Uni there at the time} so when I went back, that's when I got diagnosed and got the meds... The ritalin/lexapro/seroquel combo.... The SSRIs and stimulants helped for a while with mood/libido and general life ease but the Suicidal thoughts have been pervasive still through all medicinal and therapeutic approaches so far..

Now I'm on just the lexapro and occasional therapy session, my struggles with human nature might stem from the hatred I feel towards myself for being not smart enough or good enough to solve the situations my family and myself are in at the moment..... Im currently almost halfway through this bottle of bourbon{my phone autocorrect doing some heavy lifting right now} .... Starting to feel like I might be confident to really end it all tonight... Even if I don't jump I've got a cabinet full of antidepressants, opiates and stimulants which when mixed with booze would very likely kill me..... I just don't want to be a burden anymore...