Stepkids turned stepparents, how has your growing up experience influenced your role?

Being a stepchild jaded my views honestly. I grew up facing alot of alienation from my mother in regards to my father. I wasnt allowed to call his younger children my sisters. And my step father was the only one I was allowed to call Dad. He didnt enforce that, my mother did. Guilted me for wanting to meet my dad at 18. Guilted me for wanting to love my sisters. Couldnt even SPEAK my stepmothers name in our house. My dad eventually disengaged entirely after a while of her hiding gifts and cards and not answering the phone, and just sent child support to protect his family and wife from my mothers drama.

So now Im older and my husband is just like my dad, and his ex is just like my mom, and my stepson is just like me. I thought I could help them prevent the same damage from happening to our kid, but just like my mom, BM must maintian 110% control of everything or its a big fat NO. So I have extra bitter feelings towards my husband ex, when it comes to the years my husband missed with his son. She does all the same things my mom did to keep him away, involving the courts, stripping of rights, playing the "poor single mom" violin when shes the one who kidnapped him and ran 3000 miles away without saying goodbye...just like my mom did.

I had to detach entirely after I helped my husband reconnect with his son, once his foot was back in the door, I took 10 giant steps back. Im TOO compassionate towards my stepson to even have any relationship with his mother. I have alot of self esteem issues from being compared to my Dad, whom my mom made it clear she hates. Right in front of us BM alienates SS8 from himself, by comparing him to his father in a negative light. Talks poorly about him in a joking manner with him just sitting there. I cant do it. To say anything is to overstep and be the bad guy so now me and my husband are just like my Dad, estranged and paying child support and pleading for visits and watching our kid recognize us less and less over the years. I encourage my DH to not give up but BM refuses to communicate to him, her biggest condition is she MUST drag me in the middle and speak to ME. To which I said hell no and took 10 more giant steps back. Being a stepkid made me extra aware of parental alienation bullshit and it all just triggers the hell out of me honestly. It was a big part of my childhood and development, I cant step away from my personal feelings about it all yet.

Thankfully I am now close with my father and stepmother and sisters and when I turned 18 I DID learn the truth and decide for myself and now all drama of the past is irrelevant to us all. I can only pray for the same for now.

/r/stepparents Thread