[Stoner] The Sword- The Chronomancer II: Nemesis

I wrote this for my blog right after the album was released. I've since updated the site and this post is no longer there, but here it is:

So, I am thinking that Austin Texas may just be the coolest place in this whole damned country. It's definitely the coolest place in Texas. How do I know this? Three things.

First: Austin is the city where rollerderby was re-born. This by itself is one of the Coolest Things Ever.

Second: Austin is the home of Dale Watson. Do you like old country music? Dale Watson is the Second Fucking Coming of all that was great about country between 1940 and 1979. I'm not even kidding.

And Third: Austin is the home and birthplace of THE MOTHERFUCKING SWORD. http://www.swordofdoom.com/

These guys have been around for a few years now. I was lucky enough to catch them on their first record, playing at Subterranean here in Chicago. On their first and second albums they did some fantastic stoner-doom, evoking early Sabbath mixed with some thrash elements and a little NWOBHM. I was thoroughly impressed.

Then they did a tour last year opening for Metallica. So... a whole bunch of dumbfuck douchenozzles who have no taste in music (seriously. who in the holy living fuck goes to see Metallica in this era. Losers, that's who.) got to see this amazing band... and then ignore them.

And then? Just a week ago... they released "Warp Riders".

Warp Riders is that exceptionally rare blend of all things awesome and amazing. This is an album on par with Down's NOLA, Thin Lizzy's Jailbreak, Iron Maiden's Killers, Judas Priests' British Steel, Exodus' Bonded By Blood. This album is a moment of Heavy Metal perfection which so few bands ever truly realize on one record.

This album is a bong-water stained black velvet painting of a cobra, done in day-glo paints.

This album is a size-small sheepskin-lined Levi's jean jacket, so old the elbows are completely worn-through, with a Celtic Frost patch on the back.

This album is a brand-new midnight-black 1980 Firebird Formula prowling the streets of your city.

This album is a collection of leather miniskirts, every one of which has been worn to a Black Sabbath concert.

This album is finding out that your girlfriend went down on Lemmy Motorhead once when she was still underage.

This album is a 72' Chevy Van with a painting of the Prisoner of the Horned Helmet on the side.

This album is a keg of home-brewed beer being delivered to a foggy field full of freaks at 2am.

This album is an undead king giving you his sword so that you can go and defeat the snake cult who killed your people and stole your father's steel.

If you're a woman, listening to this album will turn your hair white and ass-length, suit you up in red armor and turn you loose on the demons who glow green. Yes... it'll turn you into motherfucking Taarna the goddamned Tarakian.

If you're a young boy, listening to this album will cause your balls to turn to solid steel and drop with a CLANG loud and heavy enough to set off earthquake detectors three states away.

These guys have it all, folks... the right riffs, the right tone, the right sound, EVERYTHING. This is the soundtrack to 50,000 horse mounted Rohan warriors overriding the siege of Minas Fucking Tirith.

If you've EVER been Metal, you owe it to yourself to hear this album. If you've never been Metal, this album just might show you what you've been missing.

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