Try this:

Communication requires three basic elements. A sender, a receiver, and a message.

Lets define a message as a statement made with the intent to change your behavior. Sender and receiver should be pretty clear.

Now one big mistake people make is accepting all messages to be of equal value Under the guise of "respecting others" or "being nice" or what have you, you value a total stranger's message in the same way that you value .

This is a mistake because not only is it a disservice to the important people in your close social circle and is incredibly confusing. This is even more confusing when you genuinely would like it if you could make everyone you meet happy and accepting of you.

Sadly this is unrealistic, and opens yourself up to a whole host of misery. Not that it's happened to me or anything.

The solution is to categorize people into "high value senders" and "low value senders". The criteria that you use to establish who high value is up to you, but generally I would select people that care about you and your relationship with them.

The beauty of this approach is that there is no room for low value messengers in your life. Rather than putting yourself in a constant state of emotional defense, these people do not have the option of changing your behavior.

There is no need to defend, because you do not accept their attack.

An example: I love people from other countries and cultures. I love their stories and their food and being able to bond over silly inside jokes about language.

Sometimes people don't like my friends. They call them all kinda of names. Sometimes they call me names as well. I can laugh it off because their opinion isn't going to stop me from doing what I love

And if they push? If they take a stand against the person I am and rail against me as what's wrong with the country?

I simply say "I accept no judgement from you" and end the conversation. I rarely have to use it, and I've never had the conversation escalate from there.

Keep the high value people, keep out the rest. Everything else will fall into place.