am i actually fucked up plz tell me.

SO, here is the introduction.

I am late 20's female. happily married to my best friend.

I am still a lil insane, like would do a lot of stupid shit that most people won't do because they are adults. (Pissing in a cup at work to pour it in my boss' purse, taking a bite of her lunch literally everyday for a year and then putting it back in the fridge, drinking someone's soda half way and then putting it back). I get literally an inSANE amount of joy out of doing these things. mostly like seeing their reaction when they find a half eaten sandwich. Like I LOVE doing it.

All of my friends are guys, I get along with guys a lot more because they usually just igNORE with my judgemental bitchy-ness or any bitchy-ness in general and get scared and uncomfortable or any of that. And they are always down with doing stupid things like I mentioned above.

i have a couple of girl friends that are just boring and shit. some r cool.

Just FYI, I am definitely not feminine in the way of thinking, my behavior, what I enjoy etc Except I look super feminine. I used work for a high end european designer brand for a long time, and I care a lot about my clothes, makeup, hair and shit. Im not saying i look awesome but I do care a lot and ppl def know that.

So although everyone knows how I KIND OF am (big mouth, bossy, controlling, judg-y, good clothes,bitchy,cold etc), they don't REALLY know what kind of shit I've done.

As a child (under 12)

1. I used to poop, every single day, in a bike rack room in my condo. one day i found a note on the wall 'Please do not poop in this room' (in my language). I def kept pooping, and eventually they blocked the area with 'do not enter' tape.

2. i used to empty out my mom's eyedrops and fill them with my piss. (she never used, I always told. I got more joy out of their reaction while being told, than 'pranking' them)

3. i pretended to be pregnant by shoving a pillow underneath my dress and walked around my neighborhood.

4. I straight up lied to my mom how i was almost kidnapped by our doorman. which made a lot of shit weird. omg it was so bad.

5. I used to pants people. random people. all the time. in public. *(didn't stop even when I got older, I got kicked out of 3 different high schools. the 2nd time it was because i pants-ed my gym teacher in front of the whole class and he was not wearing any fucking underwear)

6. I used to draw tits and balls all over playground. like they would paint it over the NEXT day and i would do the same thing all over again.

7. I used to force OTHER kids to draw tits and balls all over our neighborhood.

8. I used to piss in EVERYONE'S pool.

9. I used to rent porn videos and watched it with my nanny. ( she would rent them. i know this sounds SO fucked up, but we laughed the entire time and she never did anything weird. although, yes it is def fucking weird she watched it with me hahahaaha but idk don't get overdramatic it was like.. a funny joke. I was 11, she was 60 something lolol)

10. i used to steal syringes from my uncle who is a doc, and fill them up with toilet water, and inject them into the couch. little by little. until one day my dad was literally throwing up in his mouth from the WORST smell and then ya i got caught.

11. I used to bring those same syringes to the playground and try to convince like everyone to get a shot. i would try soooooooo hard. never happened tho.

so anyways,

can you tell me like wtf is wrong with me actually?

i am very happily married, he knows all of these stories, he still loves me. but honestly i got lucked out.

but like ya what do you think?

p.s first time on reddit. I already know some friends will call me right away asking if I wrote this. i alreadddy know. because they suggested me to write my shit here.

bye