[Stories] It's Friday and I want to laugh. Reddit, what are your funny, true stories?

I used to be a substitute teacher. This would mean that I would be called in to teach various subjects whenever a full-time teacher was sick or had to attend mandatory sexual harassment training or what have you. Most of the time I taught English or Math or History. Since teachers generally don't trust substitutes to do anything right, most of my time was spent sitting around behind the teacher's desk while the kids watched a movie or did a bunch of worksheets or some other nonsense the teacher felt comfortable I wouldn't fuck up. As you can imagine, sitting there with nothing more to do but stare at the students could get a bit monotonous, and I was always hungry for some kind of stimulation to help pass the time. Occasionally there would be some hot little number in the front row who would try to push my buttons by pulling a Sharon Stone in a short skirt, or by "accidentally" dropping their pencil and giving me a good view of the twin peaks as they bent to pick it up. I never quite understood why they did this, it wasn't like I could have any actual impact on their grades. Maybe they were just awash in hormones and poor judgment, I don't know.

At any rate, one time I was called to be a long-term sub for a science teacher who was going on maternity leave. This was a rare treat for me, because it meant I would actually have a chance to do some real teaching and not just shuffling papers or learning the finer points of VCR usage.

So my first period class comes in on the first day, 10th grade chemistry, and this blonde sits right in the front row, her skirt hiked way up on her thighs. This girl kept looking at me with what I can only assume were intended to be bedroom eyes as I called roll. As I went over what we would be doing that day, a bunsen burner lab, she would keep licking her lips and squirming in her chair with her hand in her lap. I assumed she was trying in her adolescent way to be seductive, but as a professional I knew better than to react.

As it came time to start the lab, I turned the gas on the bunsen burner and sparked the lighter. The flame started immediately, and as my eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness, I caught the girl looking at me and biting her lip, her hand snaking beneath her skirt. Suddenly, completely unbidden, my little trouser garter snake grew into a trouser anaconda (I'm a grower not a shower). As I tried to continue the lab, I increased the size of the flame, and the size of my turgid member grew in kind, the girl now letting out soft moans as her fingers fiddled in her dampening panties.

As I continued the lab, the flame continued to flicker and my erection continued to throb and the girl continued to writhe around on her chair. Finally, it was time to end the lab, so I turned the knob to the gas valve to turn the burner off. Unfortunately, I turned it the wrong way, and instead of the flame going out it grew to an enormous size. I could feel the heat on my face, the girl let out a deep moan, and my penis let out its seed into my pants. Fumbling for the valve, I finally managed to turn the flame off. We both sat there panting. I shakily dismissed the class early, eager to collect myself and clean up. The girl hung back after everyone had left. She came up to me, her legs still rubbery, and said, "Mr. Sensible, that was a great lesson. I wonder if I could get some...extra tutoring at your place tonight?"

"Sorry, Miss, but not only am I not attracted to girls your age, but that would also be wildly inappropriate," I said in my best stern professor voice.

"Oh...oh, okay," she said meekly, turned around, and walked out while adjusting her skirt.

And that was the day I discovered I was sexually attracted to fire.

/r/AskReddit Thread