I didn't know my dad until I was 15. I had come close to meeting him once or twice but each time, he backed out or the people surrounding him were very cold to me and unreceptive.
So, I grew up feeling somewhat broken and unlovable. I remember praying with all my might to one day be able to meet my dad. I thought I would just talk to him and he'd be able to explain it all away for me and we'd live happily ever after.
So I'm 15 and one day my mom gets a call while in the shower. It's my dad and this time he wants to meet me. Everything moves so fast! We start texting and then talking and finally the day comes to meet and it's absolute heaven.
Turns out, we only have a few days together though because he's leaving for the military and he wanted to give me the chance to see him at least before he dies. you know, just in case.
I've been sucked into hell. It's 6 years later and If I'm lucky I see him once a year, if that. Nothing can be explained away because I've learned that excuses don't matter. The past doesn't really matter. I'm glad that I know my dad but in light of all the pain that has been caused by knowing him and always worrying and waiting, I sometimes wonder where I would be if we'd never met...if I hadn't pushed so hard.
It would have ALWAYS hurt, but I think knowing him has been worse than not knowing ever was, just in a different way. I truly long for the day when he is out and he is here and we can truly patch things up, but I guess now I have to worry that it won't be all I hope for.
What if he doesn't like me? What if I don't like him? What if he hurts me more? What if when he gets back, he's sick or forever changed by what he's been through, and I have to be there for him to help him through it because no one else can stand him?
My life is going to be forever different to because of what has happened, good in some ways, not so good in others, but I feel myself coming to a cross roads as it comes time for him to come home in a couple years. I feel like the decision has always been out of my hands, and I still feel that way.
Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. I just had to get this all off my chest, so thank you for asking.