It’s been about two months with the poly girl I met. I’ve come to the conclusion that either she needs to like me more, or I need to like her less.

She’s usually pretty talkative about her day if I ask, but today she ignored me asking what she was gonna do today, and then later what she did. My only conclusion is that she spent it with another guy.

Now I’m not angry and I’m not bitter. She told me what she wanted and I was free to break it off then. I also an competing in what I call the “polygamous arms race” in which I’ve been able to sleep with enough anonymous women that I’m not just a glorified cuckold.

My real problem is that I don’t think I’m her top choice. I want to be the guy she really likes and sees herself with, and everyone else is just dudes she fucks for fun. I’m slowly coming to the conclusion that I’m one of the for fun fuckers. She’s emotionally distant in general, so it’s hard to get a gauge how she feels. But I think my intuition is correct.

That makes me sad because I like her a lot. I had a girlfriend in college who I broke up with because I was young and stupid and thought love was easy to find. That was about a decade ago, and ever since, I have never met someone who makes me feel like that girl did. She’s smart, and interesting, and says things that inspire me to write because they’re so damn clever. I’m happier when she’s over than I am any other time of the week. I want her to just be my girlfriend. If she wants us to fuck randos, then ok. But just being her Fri/Sun fuck buddy isn’t what I want.

It’s just that I’ve evolved from “this relationship is going to hurt me” to “this relationship is hurting me”.