I've debated typing this out..mostly bc it's long and more so bc I'm embarrassed. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read.
He messaged me in February and we met 2 days later. We clicked and it was great. The weeks following were vomit inducing. He was so open and said the sweetest things. At times I couldn't get over how open he was and kept thinking..how has this 39 yr old man been single for so long? Great job..owns his home..no kids..never married..what's the catch? He talked about spending his life with me..having children with me (he never wanted to with another partner). He also knew there was a huge hole in my heart from losing my Mom at a young age and was delighted to introduce me to his Mom and the rest of his family. Even saying that his Mom wanted to be that confidant I was hoping for. It was all magical. After everything I'd been through..I waited and wouldn't settle..and here he finally is. It had been a long time for us both..we were both single for around 5 years. Before me he had a 6 month dating situation that fizzled. Before him..I was married and my husband passed away.
Things moved quick. So quick that our families were hesitant but happy. He was so confident and I trusted him completely because of it. The lease on my apartment was going to be up at the end of August..but we didn't want to be apart from each other. He pushed for me to find someone to take over my lease so I could make the move with him. He said that he wanted me to be able to save for a while and not throw my money away at an apartment. His family is spending Halloween in Hawaii and I was invited..he bought the tickets. We talked about getting engaged there since we would be around the 6 month mark. We went ring shopping. His Mom asked if she could shop with me for a dress later down the line. So I moved into his home around the middle of May..it wasn't the easiest move since we both had cats we were bringing together as well..but it worked.
After the move things started to decline but I was naive and thought that he was just getting used to someone else being in his space..so I didn't push it. He was still loving towards me..but would go play his video game instead of watching tv with me in the evenings. At this point we are at 3 wks in and I'm starting to realize that things are just different now for some reason. This bothered me because we had such great communication at the beginning. As we were taking these major steps I would often stop to say "are you sure this is what you want?" "It's a lot very quickly and I don't want you to freak out" His response was always (sarcastically) ahhhh I'm freaking out..and then we laughed and moved on. Upon moving in I remember saying exactly "This is going to work. We are both 2 adults with great communication and this is a big house..we don't need to be on top of each other all the time and if there is ever a problem I know that we will discuss it..handle it..and move on." He completely agreed.
He initiated everything. He asked me out. He told me he loved me. He brought up marriage..kids..and moving in together..all of it. So now we are in the first week of June. Earlier that day he texted me to say he knows he's been different..he's not sure why..but he's trying to figure it out. The night before when I tried to talk to him and his body language was all off I kept saying something seems weird and all he would say is that I'm over exaggerating and have absolutely nothing to worry about. Ok.. so I come home the following day and decide that we need to talk about why things are different. I'm the kind of person who needs to solve things right then and there..so this had been weighing on me heavily. I've now learned that he is the type to just sit with something for a while before saying anything. For all this time I've been the happiest ever..blissfully thinking there are no issues in my relationship and whatever little kinks there are from merging our lives will just eventually iron out.
He was watching TV and I asked if he was ready to talk to me yet about why he's been so different. He said yea and half turned to me without even turning the tv off or the volume down. He said this is gonna sound bad but I really think it's good in the long run. We have only been together for 3.5 months and I thought this was what I wanted but it's just too quick and now I'm not sure. I don't want to break up but I want us to have separate places and go back to seeing each other 3-4 times a week. I just stared ahead of me blankly in disbelief and the tears started. Completely blindsided. I didn't think we were at this point yet by any means. I tried to ask questions but he just seemed so cold and shut off..not the person I entered into a relationship with. I left that night to stay at a friends. He texted the next day saying I didn't have to leave like that. But really?? You've wrecked my world in a sentence and now you wanna hang out and watch tv? How does that work? I told him that I could not guarantee our relationship would make it if we went backwards at this point. He said that if I couldn't see us going backwards then he couldn't see us going forward. He didn't say much past that..so I went by while he wasn't there and got my cat and some clothes and stuff and went to my Dad's. I'm so disappointed. At the first sign of trouble he ran..he didn't talk to me..he shut down. It's as if I wasn't even an equal party in the relationship bc I wasn't even able to have a say in the decision.
Over the last few weeks of us living apart he has slowly started to say more to me about the situation. During our relationship he was concerned about my weight. Prior to meeting him I lost 75lbs but I put a little back on and to be fair still have a very good amount to lose. Before meeting me he lost 50lbs and changed his life. He would tell me how much he loved me but how concerned he was for my health. So I tried to make changes but during the moving I wasn't focusing on it as seriously. I also wanted that change to come from within myself and not just for someone else. We both also smoke weed. He smoked way more back in college but not too much these days. While dating he knew I smoked more than him..and would smoke with me sometimes however he never said this was a problem. One time he asked me if I depended on smoking since I did it so often. I let him know that I was just late to get going with weed and was enjoying myself. I also knew that since I wanted a family soon my time with it (the way I've been using it anyway) was going to be limited..I can stop and have before. Recently I hadn't had a reason to stop..so why? He laughed and said good point. Upon moving me in he said he didn't want me to pay rent and we would figure out utilities. We didn't talk about chores really but I figured they'd be split or I'd pick up a little more sometimes but again no actual discussion.
Anyway his reasons for the freak out are that I haven't changed my weight in these 3 weeks (I actually lost 5lbs during that time but I guess he wasn't monitoring the scale.) I continue to smoke and obviously have problems I'm avoiding dealing with hence my substance abuse. (I have a therapist and my doctor is aware of my habits as well.) And he felt like all the pressure was on him and he cracked finally. He kept it to himself bc he thought he could deal with it and it would go away but it got worse and he got scared if he didn't say something he would end up hating me.
Feels like the biggest disrespect ever being that he didn't let me know these things were even threatening our life and happiness together. As much as I enjoy weed I would have chosen him over it. The day I came home to talk to him about things I was excited to tell him about a diet plan I was starting thanks to a friend..but that part of the conversation never happened. It hurts that I wasn't given a chance. However if this is how he handles issues then I'm glad to find out now bc that's not anyone I'd want to be married to and going through life with.
So this week I'm moving again..for the 2nd time in 5 wks. Living with my Dad which is exactly what I didn't want but I'm thankful that my cat and I had a place to go. I'm shattered but in the grand scheme of things I've been through much worse. I can only hope that this was a blessing in disguise. I'm 13lbs down now and feeling great. He unfortunately was the catalyst but I'm changing for me. He says he still loves me and still wants to be together but actions speak way louder than words at this point. He said that he doesn't know why he didn't open up to me and give me a chance to change but is trying to figure that out. There's been no fight in him and I'm at the point where I've decided to leave him alone..I've said all I can. I have a hard time believing that someone who loved me like that could disrespect me so easily. If the tables were turned I would have never been able to treat him how he treated me. I don't regret taking a leap of faith because that's how love works..there are no guarantees. I do wish we would have slowed down a bit but I'm starting to wonder if it would have even mattered. It hurt when my husband left me but he died. This man is alive and well and just chose to give up on the "love of his life"..that's soul crushing :(