Woof, sorry this is a long one.

Haven't hung out with my bff in a long time so on Tuesday I head over to her place on a whim. While finishing up cleaning for her in-laws impending visit we start discussing my ex that I had recently started sleeping with again.

Ever since him and I broke up she has been quite vocal that she thinks we should work it out. I generally hate to voice vulnerabilities, even to those close to me, but lately I have been trying to fix that as otherwise they manifest as anger.

I explain to her that yeah, I wish him and I had worked cause fuck... I love him unconditionally I think... which is a very dangerous way to feel. He has NEVER disrespected me or made me feel badly intentionally... but his depression is so severe that he completely locks up for MONTHS at a time. During those periods I am left with a huge void I only want him to fill. It's a very lonely and painful place.

So she looks at me with utter pity and mutters "Oh, _____, I get it now... you think maybe sleeping with him is a bad idea?" Of course I know it is. So in my normal non-healthy way, I call him later that night drunk.

Highfive me. ಠ_ಠ

I state that we need to stop messing around, then I cry like a baby and let it be known that I don't think I can ever be around him frequently without falling back in love. Cue a sober conversation with him the next day. He said he was relieved I ended it as his guilt has been fueling some pretty bad self-loathing thoughts.

Still pretty sad, but doing better. Had a good conversation with a guy I dated for a while recently. We discussed how some exes can be GREAT at something (with my ex it was communication), and after having such a heightened quality you never want less than that after... but if I waste time being hung up on that, I'm going to miss out on people with other "best qualities" that I may need more. I am not advocating settling, I am advocating for finding a "full package", puns aside.

tl;dr: Left the ex again, and attempting to be ok with being vulnerable and open emotionally with someone new down the road.