I agreed to be a submissive last week for a Dom four years my junior who lives on the opposite end of the country. Crazy, I know. We'd been having a mostly normal conversation through text bc of the whole long distance thing. Just getting to know each other more. Fun. As he continued to impress me with his absolutely entertaining stories, I got knots in my stomach and all I could think about was how much better he could do. Hotter. Smarter. Funnier. More accomplished. He easily deserves a 10, and I maybe add up to a 5 on a good day.

So I said I didn't feel deserving of the place he offered me. Said I needed to work on myself more but could use his friendship. And I cried for a really long time as he said it isn't my place to judge or pawn or speak poorly of that which we both agreed would be his. That he also wanted to help me see my value and realize my potential as my own person in addition to doing unspeakable things to me. That my self-loathing would get me nowhere. That I needed to chase my dreams and stop letting my life idly pass me by. That he'd be my friend, but if everything was still up for grabs, he'd want me to be his whore too because I was someone he enjoyed talking to but also wanted to fuck into exhaustion. That it was never about looking for better and he chose me because he saw a woman who was hurt and he thought he'd be able to help her heal as she explored those submissive parts of herself. That I possessed a level of awareness that rendered it possible for me to make anything of myself. And as he explained all of this, I only felt more like shit because I expected him to walk away, not to put the amount of effort he did in giving me a reassuring wakeup call. And then we sexted and he forced me to cum, which took forever because I would start feeling gross about it and would cry and lose focus. It was an emotional rollercoaster with too many highs and lows at the same time. I went to sleep with a newfound appreciation for him because I know being a Dom takes a lot of energy and effort out of someone. I have never felt this warm and gooey about anyone. It's all so foreign and hard to process. I've tried to date guys closer to me and for much longer stretches who never gave me the feelings he does.

I wrestled with guilt and shame when I started this because I thought submission defiled my conception of what it meant to be a strong, independent woman. I was wrong. I'm lucky to have someone as patient and understanding and determined as him consider me worthy of being his. It's absolutely crazy to me that someone across the country -- someone I've yet to meet -- has managed to captivate me in ways I didn't know were likely to occur. I blush so fucking hard when he tells me I'm a good girl. This is like a high school crush but infinitely better. And hopefully longer lasting.

But he's been "busy" and we haven't communicated as much since Thursday, so I'm thinking he might give me the gradual fade because I said some things that made me sound excessively needy. I basically have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, but I know I'm getting ahead of myself and need to put the breaks on and reexamine where we're at. It's so unconventional and unlikely to work, but if it does, this would be an incredible experience for me. And don't even get me started on the absurd amount of cognitive dissonance I undergo when he calls me his virgin whore.