I had similar thoughts today. The most triggering thought was "I am domesticated" lol. And I hate and love it. It's actually all I want really, I love a homely life!! And then I despise it, I don't want a family and I don't want kids and I don't want anything (stupid selfish rage)!!

Today I got major cabin fever. I miss my friends!!! We all lost contact long ago, but I remember how free and fun we were, and we understood each other!! There was an exchange of thoughts. Something that is severely lacking in my relationship.

We have nothing in common, we accept each other. I could live this life with him forever if I wanted to, he is ok with everything. He is forgiving, or - blacks out the past because he doesn't wanna "dwell" on things. I on the other hand remember everything, and I need to understand and dissect the past. This is just another thing that makes me feel disconnected from him. There are many many more.

Today I had the greatest urge to be alone and free. I can be happy with myself, I really can, and then I absolutely can not. At least I wouldn't be more miserable... and I probably would be so much more productive, right??

Lies.

Then I remember how loneliness was always the biggest culprit when I spiralled out of control. I always came closest to kill myself when feeling (and being) truly alone.

So what do I do? Stay here and be not understood? Feeling out of place (like everywhere else anyway)? Being not myself (whatever that is)? Feeling lonelier than actually being alone? Or do I keep this real human being, someone who hasn't abandoned me yet, someone who feels true love even after all this terrible terrible shit I put him through. Someone who is innocent enough to feel true fucking love, or maybe just blinded enough to not see how toxic this is?

Obviously I can't be objective! I just can't! My mind will always poison any good thought.

I know by now that loneliness is something that will always haunt me, no matter how accepted and loved I am. I can not rely on this feeling. But what about the understanding, the sharing? There are definitely people out there who would understand me better, but that doesn't guarantee they will accept me. Like my sister for example, she understands so well, better than anyone really, and yet chose to have no contact with me. That's how terrible I am.

I don't know. I'd like to think everyone has doubts in their relationship, but we just bring it to the next level... We take them so much more serious and we are so good in seeing the worst case scenario, or the bright green grass over there.

In the end I just wanna be free. Today I imagined how I'll catch my boyfriend cheating on me, in excruciating detail for over an hour, and I was "happy", cause if that would happen I would finally have a reason to leave him and then be free. How fucked up is that? I'd say 9/10 lol. I need to leave I know that. Even if I'll die of loneliness eventually I need to leave him :(