Struggling with not being the primary anymore

I think you're focusing on the wrong things. You say you don't want to compare, but you're already comparing. You compare how much time he spends with her and with you. Instead, focus on what you need and be realistic. You - by definition - don't need to see him more than she does. However, it's possible you may need to see him 5 nights a week (or 6, or 7). To be fair I think if that's the case your problem is of a very different nature: it's codependency. Please check this article:

I think you're entirely within your rights for not letting her live with you (it's YOUR living arrangements), but this is a different matter entirely. You want to deminish her importance and to be fair - in her shoes I'd be resentful about it. Just imagine things being different, imagine HER asking your partner to become his own primary. How would that feel? Pretty sucky, no? Well, that's essentially what you'd be doing. Because yes, you are his wife and you have been together for a longer time, but you have also agreed to the arrangement that is in place right now.

No, I have to nuance myself here. Of course you have absolutely every right to have your needs and if these needs are coming home to your partner at least X nights of the week - that's your business. Expressing these needs is also honest and in my opinion should be done, if only for the sake of transparency. Just remember you're not entitled to his time and if he chooses to not make you his own primary you may have to make your own decisions and leave the relationship.

/r/polyamory Thread