Suicide

Look, I tried to kill myself, too. I had a shotgun and my father found me and fought me for the gun. It was ugly. I ended up crying onto his shoulder. I couldn't manage the stress of my wife and kids and all the bills. I am a sole provider of 5. My wife, three kids and myself. I thought if I killed myself I'd be able to provide for them better than if were alive.

My life insurance policy is a million plus. I even told my mother-in-law that I was worth more dead then alive. I was out of work and I was very depressed about how my life had turned out. I had been fairly wealthy when I married my wife but the recession had turned my monetary assets to shit.

The entirety of my existence was providing for my wife and kids. I thought to myself 'self, what's the point...after all, life is about the acquisition of money to provide...if you can provide more in death than in life, well, go for it'

My father and my wife's family disagreed. Such is the way of things, I guess.

I'm getting help. Psychological help, for sure. But I understand. I asked my priest if what I did was a sin and he said no. People who attempt suicide aren't "in their right minds". So they can't really be accountable for their actions. It's a fine line. I've confessed several times now the same sin. I've heard several different takes on the sin. From "you're not at fault, your mind is broken" to "you're absolutely at fault for trying to supersede God's will".

I don't know what the right answer is. But what I do know is that there is hope.

Hope that things will get better. "Jesus, I trust in you" is what I have to repeat to myself over and over. My income and my self worth are tied to this. I have to trust in Jesus because I'm out of work. I owe $20,000 in taxes this year and I have no idea what to do. So, Jesus, I trust in you.

If you wish to PM me, do so. I'm healing. My wife is helping me heal. I wish I were stronger. Better. But I'm not. I'm more broken now than when we met. It sucks. It's horrible.

I wish I were better. Wiser. Smarter. But I'm just me. But I'm also "okay". I'm going to get better and I'll move on. Please remember that "this, too, shall pass". It's bleak and dark right now but it'll get better. That's all I know to tell you. It will get better.

Take Heart in that.

/r/Catholicism Thread