Pretty much. I've been suicidal for a while now but I just tell my therapist I have fantasies about simply disappearing. Like I go to bed one night and poof I just stop existing. No planning, no pain, no death, just poof where did TophShit go?

But really I want to drive my car off a bridge every morning on my way to work and consider overdosing on xannax or something every night while I lay in bed unable to sleep once again.

Do I need help? Definitely. Am I willing to ask for help at the cost of being billed several grand out of pocket for the luxury of being held against my will, and probably lose my job due to absence? Nope. No thanks, I would literally rather die.

Mental health treatment in this country is abysmal anyway, they would just give me more meds I cant pay for to zombify me and let me go after I play along and lie about being all better long enough.