Suicide, his cup of tea

I know you said not to apologize but I am sorry. I suck at keeping in touch. I see the message and then forget about it. There’s a lot going on. This is like the third time I think being drunk in a week. I was in a good mood, so I planned to drink a little and watch a funny movie. It was okay, until I called one of my friends. This friend and I have had a history. My freshman year of college, I was his “side piece.” I knew he had a girlfriend, and I still slept with him. For a year. August 2018-August 2019. I fell in love with him. He has a new girlfriend and I think I’m still in love with him.

He makes me feel safe. But he also manipulated me for that entire year. He knew how I felt and he took advantage of that. Lots of drunken nights were spent crying on my friends’ couches last year. We don’t sleep together anymore, we just kinda hangout. I spent a lot of time at his place this past year. Just playing video games or doing homework together. He made me cry a lot. We got in a lot of fights. He was planning on ending the friendship and then my brother died. He was the first person I called after my parents. Now, four months later, I still think I’m in love with him. I called him tonight because I miss hanging out with him. We only text, he refuses to snapchat me no matter how many times I ask. We talked and I just started crying. That happens a lot when I drink. I hate it. You know he said that it was my fault my brother died? That I should’ve been there for him as an older sister. I fucking tried. I tried to be there for him. Five days before he died, I had a thought he was going to kill himself. So I put everything aside - during finals week - and talked to him to make sure he was okay. I tried! I tried so hard. I told him I loved him and that I was here for him no matter what. And he still shot himself.

I opened up the urn the other day. When I was drunk. I just sit can’t believe he’s dead. Even though I saw him dead three times. Three times and I still don’t want to believe it. I called my grandma afterwards because I had a breakdown and it was really bad.

I had therapy again this week. We’re starting emdr next week to work through my ptsd and sort everything out. I know it’s really hard to do it and I’m really scared because I know it’s going to be really bad. I am just so sick of feeling helpless. I hate feeling like this, like people are just my friend so that I don’t have the same fate as my brother. You know what? Sometimes I want to do. I want to kill myself. So bad. I think about how to do it. I just can’t handle all of this pain. I want to see my brother again. I don’t do it for my parents. But god, I want to do it so bad.

/r/SuicideBereavement Thread