I can relate to everything you wrote except the part about the boyfriend, which came off as pathetic. The last few years my mental health, self confidence and hope for my future have been running on fumes. I have slowly come to terms with the idea that one day I will kill myself. It is still a constant push/pull and the hardest decision you and I will contemplate in our short lives. The only time I dared to end my life I took large combination of Seroquel and Klonopin. I called Mom to say goodbye after I had swallowed all the pills. She called the police and they showed up 10 minutes later knocking at my door as I felt myself fading. I woke up on a ventilator. Sometime later that day I was sent to a mental institution many, many miles away. I woke up on Christmas morning there. You will either do it or you wont, both options have an appeal to them, don't they? Both of us know the "hope you feel betters" and "have a good days" do nothing for us at the end of the day. We still have to live with ourselves.