The Jack O'Lantern is the focus of the largest and most insidious conspiracy in the mycological world. According to every field guide, and every other source of literature available for the species, its gills glow in the dark. I'm not making this up; pick up any mushroom book that describes the Jack O'Lantern, and you'll find the author coolly mentioning the "luminescence" of the gills, or telling stories about 19th-Century pioneers finding their way back to their cabins, in the dark, following the Jack O'Lantern's glowing gills. All of these authors are lying, and they are in cahoots. See, what they enjoy is knowing that hundreds of amateur mushroomers, every fall, shut themselves into closets, bathrooms, and garages, eagerly peering through the darkness for hours, waiting for the Jack O'Lantern's gills to luminesce. I have wasted at least three hours of my life in this endeavor, over the years. Three hours! Every time I collect Omphalotus illudens, I think to myself: "These are fresh specimens; surely this time I'll see it." Then I seclude myself in darkness and hover, waiting . . . and waiting, and waiting. This last time, after nearly half an hour, I finally began to see the gills glow in the dark, an eerie green color--until I held my hand over my eyes and noticed that the glowing gills were still there. I am here to tell you: The emperor is naked! Don't make a fool of yourself, as I regularly do. After years of trying to see the luminescent gills I have reached the obvious conclusion: mushroom authors are out to make me feel like an idiot. And don't bother sending an e-mail to tell me you have seen the Jack O'Lantern's glowing gills, or to send a photo of the phenomenon, because I will know you are part of the conspiracy, and that the photo was produced by the same people who made the photos of the Loch Ness Monster.

Ha!