i'll delete this later. i just need to get it out.

depression consumes my every thought. i can't go an hour without thinking horrible thoughts. i unintentionally make conversations about myself and how i'm feeling and it just fucking kills the flow of conversation. it's so fucking selfish. but i never really mean to, it's just whats on my mind. i can't help it. my mind is so scrambled thinking about it because i feel like i just repeat myself when i talk about it and i can't come up with new ways to say how i hate myself, or how my future is bleak. i feel like i'm going nuts because every day blends together. i just dont see it getting better. but i know i'll never kill myself. i'm just too scared to do it. but i feel like i need to at some point. i just cant stand living anymore.