[Support Only] Men of reddit, please help a young woman understand. (kind of lengthy)

Hey girl, congrats on coming so far and finding what sounds like a really decent guy. It sounds like you're struggling between what you're "supposed" to feel like and what you actually, really deep down feel. That's always going to cause stress, and given your background you have more reason than most.

So here's the thing - take some deep breaths and realize that the best thing you can be for yourself and for him is to be honest. Start with being honest with yourself. You don't like that he watches porn, and it makes you feel less desirable. Nothing wrong with that, many (if not most) women struggle with the same feelings.

At some point (not necessarily today) the two of you will have to mutually decide what works best. Do you turn a blind eye? Does he vow not to look at it? Do you monitor his Internet habits? Do you watch it with him? Something else? There's a million different options out there, and only the two of you can decide what will work for your relationship.

But before you do that, two points of caution:

1) At 19, it's entirely possible you may not spend the rest of your life with this young man. The two of you will grow and change over the next 5-6 years in ways neither of you will expect. Sometimes this causes you to grow together, sometimes people grow apart through no fault of either person. So one of the options that you have to be willing to consider is that this (or some other issue) may be a deal-breaker. If you can't stand to have him watching porn, and he can (or won't) stop watching it - well, sooner or later something's gotta give. My message (not a prediction) is that if it happens due to this or any other reason - THAT'S OKAY! He has the right to do what he wants. You have the right to not be in a relationship with someone who does things you don't like. In some cases a clean break is actually better than a miserable compromise. Trust me, I've been there (on other issues).

2) Be careful - reading between the lines it sounds like you're bending over backwards to make sure you're the "perfect girlfriend" for this guy. I'm afraid that (generalizing) based on your background you might have internalized the idea that you're not worth very much. So you might be inclined to settle for the first half-way decent person who comes along, and put up with almost anything, even if it makes you miserable, because it's better than being alone.

Three problems with that:

1) it can't last over the years

2) it may cause increasing stress to build up until you snap, and

3) it's actually the path of least resistance. No matter how much being "perfect" hurts, it's safer than being yourself because that might lead to rejection.

It sounds like someone who got dealt a shit hand in life and has built herself up into something remarkable anyway. That girl deserves to be loved and respected for who she is, not feeling like she has to pretend to be someone or something she isn't. I promise you one thing - whether it's your boyfriend or someone else, there will be someone who thinks that you are perfect just the way you are.

That said, your boyfriend may be amazing but he has warts, scars, and issues of his own he's dealing with. Don't put him on a pedestal. Some of his issues might seem weird, irrational, or gross, but they are part of him. He needs to feel comfortable opening up to you too.

In closing, be generous and kind - to him and most of all to yourself. If it's not right, don't force it. Be proud of yourself for seeking outside perspective and being mature. Good luck!

Now, answers to your questions:

When you have a girlfriend and you watch porn, do you find her as attractive or even more attractive than your favorite porn stars?

A real person who loves you is always more attractive than a picture of someone who doesn't care. It's not much different than the non-porn-stars (actresses/singers/etc). Sure there are the "beautiful" Hollywood airbrushed people in the world, but I don't compare them to my girlfriend. She is a flesh and blood person in front of me. Much more important - she really knows me, accepts me, and loves me, just as I know, accept, and love her. The idea that Katy Perry (or whoever) could compete with my girlfriend for my love and affection is laughable.

Obviously it's a little different, because sex. But to give you some context (and admittedly generalizing horribly) - both men & women find sex to be an intensely intimate bonding experience that affirms their worth via acceptance by another person. When used properly, it's an intimate expression of the bond between two people. When used improperly, it causes people to compulsively sexualize everyone they encounter. That's because even the most casual one-night-stand has a tiny little spark of that acceptance hidden within it. This affects men & women equally - guys just play it off like they're "just trying to get laid". No, they aren't - otherwise they wouldn't spend so much on dinners, flowers, dates, etc; they'd just go to a prostitute. They don't just want to have sex - they want to have sex with someone who accepts them, if only for a single night.

With me so far? Now, the key difference between men & women (again, broad generalizations) is that men ALSO have an almost compulsive NEED to come. When it's been a while, guys start getting that urge, and nowadays with a click of a mouse you can watch whatever tickles your fancy.

This second bit is what I think a lot of women have trouble understanding about men. Without a similar urge, they think of porn like they think of sex, and think it's a threat as a potential displacement for their affections. In reality, for most guys porn is kind of like a laxative to take when you're constipated - it helps you drop a load faster and more conveniently, but either way that load was getting dropped sooner or later. And I think most guys have about the same level of affection for it that they have for Miralax - in the moment, you REALLY want it, but half an hour later you're on to other things.

I hope that explains a little more about why it seems so easy for men to separate porn from reality. It isn't a replacement for the love and affection that men and women crave from each other. If it was, why wouldn't guys just stick to porn and stop dating? We'd save a ton of money, no risk of rejection, and no one to tell us to put the toilet seat down or pick up our dirty socks!

But it's not even close to the same thing. Porn is something men use to help them orgasm quickly. Girlfriends, lovers, wives - those are people we love, who help us live our lives. Preferring porn to sex would be like watching the Food Network instead of actually eating a meal.

That said, some people truly get addicted to porn. People get addicted to food, gambling, sex, running, etc. No one really knows how or why, and the best I can tell you is that if any of those things are interfering with daily life, they have a problem. If they are choosing it over intimacy with you, they have a problem. If they are having obsessive thoughts about it, they have a problem. If they are comparing you to what they are watching they have a problem. If they are mistaking it for reality in any way they have a problem. Etc, etc - trust your instincts.

As for you & your boyfriend, I remember being 19 and I was basically a walking pile of hormones. It sounds like you're both young and still figuring each other and a relationship out and that's okay. My guess is that he probably sees that you're bothered by him watching porn and that made him promise to stop. But unless you're at his house 24/7/365 he's going to get horney when you're not around and he backslid and then it became habitual again and he was ashamed & etc., so he didn't tell you, and secrets only grow worse, and now here you are. Only the two of you can decide what is and is not acceptable for your relationship, but consider giving him the benefit of the doubt that he really did want to stop and might be having trouble breaking the habit.

Why do men like lesbian porn?

Men like looking at naked women. Men don't like to look at naked men. Straight porn has a naked woman in it, but it also has a naked dude in it. Lesbian porn has TWO naked women and ZERO naked dudes in it. So for a lot of guys that's a win/win. Doesn't mean that he wants you to do any of that stuff. I've had a few friends over the years who thought it would be really hot to have their wives/girlfriends mess around with women, only to find themselves getting jealous. Lots of things sound sexy in theory but are not so hot in practice.

Do I just sound like an awful girlfriend?

No, absolutely not!!!

You sound like a remarkably well-grounded young woman for someone who had no emotional baggage inflicted on her. Given that, you're outstanding. You're just trying to figure these things out and be rational rather than reactive. Good for you!

Just promise me you'll consider my thoughts about how it's okay to stand up for yourself and your feelings.

/r/confession Thread