I didn't have to read the title to know what it's about.
Even my family is against me. And I feel right now like they don't know what I mean to them, as if they will never know how much I selflessly put them in the first place, no matter the amount of bullying. I can see right through their ways of trying to take advantage, but not always right away, and the stress they cause is simply destructive. It gets me in physical ways too. It has nothing to do with trying to prove myself or being the weak person I am in their eyes, it has everything to do with not wanting to stoop that low, not being that person, and not wanting to fight with supposed loved ones.
Even trying to get away from it results in being chased, not letting me give enough time to rest my hatred, making me go away and away further every time.
Everybody is an idiot, I know this, and since they all seem to have fun, it is better for me to disappear. Because being fun to other people who can't see you're torn up inside and burnt up, is not enough. It is not a substitute for warmth and appreciation, and eventually I fuck up with every stranger that has a promising beginning.
I mean what the fuck do they expect, really?
I am not god, I am no clown either.
Right now my dreams being to get disturbing. I had disturbing dreams when I just quit drugs, but I'm sober for a while now, and I'm starting to feel the agressiveness I had as a kid sometimes, throwing tantrums, but I'm an adult now, and the only place and time for my aggression is in my dreams.
All the while I am so stressed I feel like it has become impossible to fall in love anymore. Or maybe I am, but don't feel it because I can't register it. I am going from stone cold, to rational thinking to carelessness and selfcenteredness. I have nothing left to focus on the good things.
My life is like standing in the rain outside at the window looking at the cheerful people inside dining. I don't even care, but some are smiling at me and seem to enjoy I suffer, while others wonder why I don't join in and believe the lies of others.
They suffer in my dreams.