Talking about not being #1...

When people say that the kids come first I don't think they mean it literally in every way and daily situation the way you seem to be experiencing? I mean, as an adult who loves my SO's kids I just instinctually know that they come fist. And by that, I mean their well-being comes first. When I want to move across the country for school, we have to think how that would affect the kids for example. But I don't think the kids well-being is going to be severely impacted by who sits next to who at dinner or who is sitting next to who on the couch to the point where you or your SO feel like one of you has to get up and move. I don't think the kid's well-being is going to be negatively affected because your SO is holding your hand and the kids have to either hold his other hand in a chain, or hold your hand. That all just seems like normal adult boundaries and healthy relationship modeling? I mean, I never grew up thinking that I could just push my mom or dad off the couch or pitching a fit if I couldn't sit next to them on the couch because someone was already there. And my SO's girls don't do that or have that kind of reaction at all because they've just been brought up all their lives to understand that they have to be patient, and respectful and they get the same patience and respect from us. We just all share time together equally. All the time he talks about how wonderful it is for the kids that we can model a close and caring relationship for them, and I have seen the positive effect on them. I'm not sure the situation you're describing sounds that healthy for your relationship with your SO or his kid's relationship to you. Maybe talk to your SO about his behavior to you, which is in turn modeling to the kids that you are a less important part of the family.

/r/stepparents Thread