have an annoying friend.

by friend, i mean a dude i know who i met at work that won’t leave me be.

yesterday tells me he has an idea that “will immediately be stolen by netflix or hbo” so he can only facetime so i don’t get tempted to swipe his IP.

tells me he’s talking to his mom, tells me he tells her that he would gove his life if everybody on earth could be corona-free.

she tells him, “son, do you know who you sound like? the son of god. jesus christ.”

tells me, “yes, i am like jesus.”

facetimes me, shirtless, doing crunches, with a handwritten poster board on his wall that says “I AM TALENTED AND I AM HANDSOME.”

proceeds to tell me about his screenplay, in which he plays ultra fit modern day jesus at the apex of the world ending. says the final line of his screenplay is, “sorry babe, this is the apocalypse.”

tells me he will make millions, can i help him write it,

proceeds to tell me something else, i hang up.

i know this sounds like pasta and most of what you read on the internet is bullshit, but i cannot believe there is a person like this in my life and my girlfriend is sick of hearing about him.