That tape is straight fire though

I don't know how I ended up in this sub. All I remember is somebody leading me down a back alley, telling me this was the shortcut to the "even funnier" subreddits. I don't know Reddit all that much, so I thought nothing of the stranger's generosity and assumed, "Well, all people on the Internet must certainly be generous and nice!"

And then I woke up, a few hours had passed. I had been beaten over the head with... a potato?! Or was it a smartphone? I couldn't tell, but somehow I knew it had been recently used to take selfies in the mirror.

I turned towards one end of the alley. I was disoriented and could no longer tell from which direction I'd entered. I looked down at my left wrist to tell the... Damnit, they took the watch! Why would a thief leave behind a smartphone, their own smartphone, and have stolen my watch? Probably an opportunist, a first time mugger?

I walked towards the dumpster I now remembered seeing on the other end of the alley. It was darker now than when I followed that fellow Redditor. "Hey, you won't believe some of the crazy GIFs you're gonna see across this street up ahead!," I remembered him exclaiming with such vigor.

I remember what he said, but I can't really recall his face. My head felt like a thousand needles had been driven into my skull, all at once. The details I tried to make out of his face were shrouded in a dark, blurry cloud that loosely resembled a face. But it was more like a caricature of a troll or a jester's mask.

"U Mad Bro," I mumbled to myself. Wait, why am I saying that? I have no idea what that means, "U Mad Bro." Is it some Scandinavian language? Did the stranger Redditor say this to me? I felt an uncomfortable sensation of complete disorientation when I tried to think harder on how I'd learned this foreign phrase.

The phone I picked up, the one used to beat me over the head, vibrated in my hand. I looked down at the screen and saw the screen had been shattered. There was dried blood on the upper left corner. My blood, I realized.

Through the broken glass I saw a notification come up on the screen. It was from "Zack." He was asking the owner of the phone when he was going to come over to "take some more pics." Pics? Pictures, must be. I didn't respond for the owner, as I was still trying to work out the details of my current situation.

Had the owner of this phone been the one who bludgeoned me over the head with it? Couldn't be. Who would be that much of a moron to leave such damning evidence behind? So the phone must have been stolen off another Redditor.

I reached for where my wallet had been... Still there! I opened it up to find all my cash and cards still in place. What was the mugger after? It was then that I'd noticed my watch on the ground, the glass face shattered from the impact against the asphalt, I presume. My mugger hadn't been a thief after all.

Then why had I been knocked out cold with another Redditor's phone? Suddenly, a figure appeared from behind the dumpster; a tall, lanky shadow. Quickly, footsteps rushed towards me, cracking in my ears like a gavel being struck.

"Hey aren't you the guy from the Warlizard Gaming Forum?," he asked pointedly.

I immediately collapsed from the déjà vu that struck me.

/r/BlackPeopleTwitter Thread Link - imgur.com