shit, i should have explained this in the post. i was actually raised in a pretty male environment. "are you crying in there? because i'll give you something to cry about" was a pretty common thing i heard as a kid, for example. it was really mixed, because sometimes i'd get that, then i'd get a "sit more like a lady" and like what the fuck ever. but for the most part, i was raised the same as my brother. my parents only had brothers, my grandmother only had brothers (and sons) and so no one knew how to handle having a girl (or a whole set of grandchildren who were girls other than my brother) and so everyone was kinda raised in this weird half male/half female setting where shit got mixed up left and right and like... they tried and failed. also i emulated my brother whenever possible. no, we don't have contact anymore.

i don't like going into childhood a lot because i am 22 and very muchso independent at this point and it's my shit that i have to fucking cough up and deal with. anything i say, is perpetuated BY ME at this point. my parents aren't in my life. they haven't been in nearly a year now.

i don't notice the changes at all anymore. my voice sometimes terrifyingly sounds feminine to me again. i avoid mirrors most of the time. i shower like once a week at best (i'm... trying to change that for my new job but it's all about anxiety at the end of the day) and even then i just avoid looking as much as possible. that i manage to shave is a christmas fuckin miracle. i don't look at the changes because i don't want to because whenever i do nothing has much changed at all. i check the scale like 4 times a week (and only when i feel i've done well at all to deserve looking and/or want to ruin my goddamn mood) and that's about it. otherwise, i fucking avoid everything as much as possible. i'd not drink fucking water if i could so i never had to take a piss and sit down but alas, i have to.

i don't even know what i want anymore. but yeah, i'd feel worse if i stopped because at least now i don't deal with periods and whack emotions and fucking crying. but i don't feel better at all either.

i just don't fucking know. it's too much to go into here. there's a fucking LOT i didn't go into, too much for a few therapy sessions, and therapy's too damn expensive. too much for anyone to ever fucking read, too.