yea but i'm a horrible person living a mediocre life with the expectation that my one big flaw is being trans. all the other shit is just more shit to stack on the top. it's like a giant stack of pancakes--of shit. with shitty syrup to boot.

i mentioned it but both my parents are narcissists. having any of those traits is bad enough. fuck that.

and nah, don't really look up to people. other people are disappointing, too. the only thing i want to be able to do, in all honesty, is shut my mouth, not bother other people, be left to my own devices. i don't even like going out with my roommate (and not just because he doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut, which i can't even blame him for tbh because he has no idea and i don't care about telling him when he's being dumb and saying shit that's massively bothersome to me). it just makes me paranoid in a completely "why me? why would he want to hang out with me? oh, because he can find out more. and then i'll run when he knows too much like i do everyone else."

i can't maintain a friendship. once someone knows too much, it's over with.

i can't change, i can't be a human being, i'm supposed to rigidly continue doing things how they've been seeing me do things. if i do, well

that's where the moody/pissed off/whatever comments come from: i'm a pissed off angryfuck person and i'm dreadfully boring and i have a massive superiority complex and i've got anxiety and depression and i won't shut the fuck up about any of it so it's best i just say nothing at all.

sometimes, i wish i'd actually gone through with tearing my vocal chords up pre-testosterone when i hated my voice, because now that i somewhat like it enough that i find it tolerable, i use it more than ever. and now that that's happened, i have to run more and more often. new start. i'll fuck it up within the week and there's no reset button on life.