Ok, since no one has said it yet, Pu-erh. Or Pu'er

Pu-erh tastes like wood, smoke, and "earthy tones". It is quite honestly the most upfront unpleasant tea I've ever had. But then I tried a second sip, and a third.

I haven't had it in a long while, but the process of steeping the tea, drinking my wood water, and relaxing is one of the best aspects of this whole goddamn Pu-erh ritual.

You see, you get this little brick/cake/ collection of leaves. This stuff isn't your normal green tea, no sir. This stuff is fermented. It's oxidized. It's ripe. Have you ever had ripe tea? It's fucking weird. Back to the point, you break off a little chunk of tea leaves and steep it hot water for under thirty seconds.

Think you're gonna get to try this weird ass tea now? No. You throw out that water. That's the bath water, you don't drink your bath water do you? You're cleaning your tea now, letting it know it's goddamn go time, getting it warmed up, getting those leaves all loose and flexible.

Ok, now that you've thrown away your first cup of tea, you're ready to steep again. Pour that water back over the wet hunks of tea leaves and let it steep for around 30 seconds, maybe a bit less if you don't like it bitter, maybe more if you're doing something else and don't mind being kicked in the tongue. Now pour this out into your cup.

Oh no, you don't drink the tea with the leaves in it. This isn't some barbarian practice, you gotta be classy with it. You've got a hot water teapot, a steeping cup, and a drinking cup. Never mix these. It's not the end of the world if you do, but you're disrespecting the tea. If you disrespect the tea, it's gonna disrespect you.

Lets talk about cups for a moment. What kind of cup are you using to drink the tea in? Most of you newbies are gonna be using china or glass or whatever shit you upicked up at teavana. And that's fine, you don't understand yet. We all make mistakes. What you want to use is wood. Get some nice ass wooden tea cups and that's all you're gonna be using them for. Why? Because when you start drinking pu-erh, you're gonna start liking the taste. If you get wood, your cups will steal your precious wood and dirt water from you, cause that shit is porous. Normally if some one took my precious Pu'er from me I would toss them into a fire, but in this case we're making an investment. It takes our a little of our pu-erh, then starts tasting like our pu-erh. Delicious. Like feeding a pig bacon for extra pig flavor.

So, back to the ceremony. You've got your first cup of this tea. Don't drink it. You don't just fuck a girl do you? No, you have to tease her first, a bit of foreplay. Get everyone excited you see? So smell your tea. Smells earthy, smokey, yeah that's some dirty tea aint it? Swirl that liquid in your glass. Then, when you're salivating, you can have some tea.

And bam. It tastes like a cigarette got put out in your mouth. Fuck, you probably steeped it too long, didn't you? Don't worry, we all make mistakes. First time I tried anal, I never stretched out right, basically the equivalent experience. Did I stop inviting dudes into my backdoor? Hell no, you gotta persevere. Throw that swill out and try again, steep your water, and count to thirty.

There, now you can try it. What's that? It tastes better this time? 'Course it does, you're starting to do it right. If it tastes like you just bit out a chunk of bark from a tree you've got it down. But wait, there's more. After you finish your first glass, you can steep again, and again. And each time it's like you're drink another one of mother nature's precious children. Smoke and wood fade into flowers and wood, now granted it will always taste a little like dirt, but goddamn if this isn't the best dirt I've ever drank.

All in all it's a pretty relaxing experience.