But I never know what to say to them. I never know what to talk about. I think I hurt my one friend's feelings by not inviting her to my birthday party (she wasn't supposed to find out) and I know it made her feel bad and she's one of the nicest people I know, and she seems frustrated with everything a lot. And her birthday's coming up soon and I dunno if she's having a party, and if I'll be invited if she is. I kinda ruined her last one due to a petty fight with another friend.
And I want to tell her badly that I'm sorry. I apologized already, but I want her to know I really mean it. That I feel awful. That if I do get invited I'll do everything I can to not get in any arguments with anyone, and to just try to be the best friend I can be and not do anything to make anyone upset. I want to tell her that if she doesn't invite me I'll understand. And I want her to know I care about her even if I'm bad at seeming like it sometimes. And I want her to know I feel bad about nlt inviting her to my party last year, that it's not her fault, I was just in a really rough place emotionally and everuthing about everybody other than one or two people was irrationally frustrating me, and that if I was having it now she'd be invited for sure, and that I promise no matter what she's invited to my next one.
But none of how I feel matters if I don't do anythig to be a good friend. If I can't find a way to tell her that she's an awesome person and I'm the one who messed up by hurting her feelings, she did absolutley nothing wrong, then it doesn't matter what I think, because I haven't done anything to be a good friend. I want to, so badly, but I just don't know how.
Caring isn't enough unless I do something to show I care. And that's where I get stuck.
(Sorry this kind of turned into a rant)