Whether I'll ever finish my thesis.

Tuesday I had a panic attack. Got to the library where I work, started feeling pressure in my chest. Didn't go in. Sat down a good half hour, breathing, looking for my zen place, not finding my zen place. Called a friend, still feeling the pressure, she tells me to go to the hospital. Get a cardiogram. All clear. At that moment I know I've had a panic attack and I want to kick myself.

Had many panic attacks in the past. Haven't had any in say, 8 years. Learned to manage them. Back to square one.

Didn't go to the library to work today. Woke up, couldn't even fathom working. Stayed on the couch all day (Reddit/Netflix).

Wondering how long this will go on. Hoping I'm not entering one of those depression abysses.

I'm not the only one in this position. Messaged a few other in-the-middle-of-a-PhD friends. "So uh, are there days like where you're just like, "nope" and you can't function?"

Friend one: "yep".

Friend two: "yep".

Friend three: "hahahaha, all the time".

I don't do hard labour. On Monday I must have written a total of two pages. Two pages requiring checking into this, checking into that. By the end of the day I felt like I knew less than I did going in. I get anxious that I know nothing. ALL.THE.TIME.

I have 8 pages so far.

So that's been on my mind today: how in the world I'm going to produce another 300.

This week, last week, and since I officially embarked in the real writing stage of this three weeks ago.

(Actually, I've been doubting I could do it since I got accepted into the program, but you keep breezing through the levels, the courses, the comps, the proposal, then, suddenly, you're really writing a thesis and you have no idea how that's even possible).