I texted a NT: "am I uncomfortable to be around?"

One way to look at it is that everyone has insecurities. Everyone. That includes NT's, and virtually everyone gets at least a little anxious in social situations.

Am I boring people? Does everyone hate my outfit? Should I make this joke? Did I just offend someone?

Am I being too intrusive?

I wonder what they say when I'm not around...

Am I giving off the wrong signals? What if I say something stupid? What if I mispronounce a word?

What's their name -- is it Joe or John? Jim?? Am I taking too long?

Should I speak up? Am I talking too loud? Did the cashier think I was rude?

Should I laugh at that? Did I just laugh too hard at it?


Everyone is "weird" in their own way, and everyone is worried about their own problems. It may not be that she (and others) don't see your anxiety, but rather that they're simply preoccupied with their own concerns.

Take this with a grain of salt, but being openly vulnerable (i.e. asking someone if you make them uncomfortable) can become an invitation for others to reciprocate being vulnerable. It takes courage to say something sincere that exposes an insecurity, even if it happens out of impulse. In small doses at appropriate times, it makes you less of a threat, and people tend to be more sincere when they don't feel the need to get defensive. Everyone gravitates towards those who they can relate to.

All that is to say that maybe she has her own issues with social anxiety that she's trying to hide, and sees a commonality where she knows you wouldn't use it against her. If she does get uncomfortable around you, it could entirely be that she's uncomfortable around most people and not just you specifically.

tl;dr I wouldn't overthink her response as a negative thing. It sounds like you have an opportunity to comment on what lead you to ask, and that you wanted to check and see that you hadn't upset her. If you have your doubts, you can always downplay the severity of the situation by joking about how what you intended came out the wrong way. We all do that.

/r/aspergers Thread Parent