Thank you u/dramatriangle for your supportive post after I deleted mine out of fear. [update/rant]

I actually responded to that comment. I do believe BPD with PTSD was an appropriate diagnosis for me. I hit many of the DSM criteria. I thinks there's a huge stigma towards BPD which in many ways is deserved based on the experience some people in this sub have had with family who have a co-occurance of NPD on top of BDP, 25% of people diagnosed with BPD also have NPD. I truly believe that my NMom had BDP as well as NPD.

I can only speak for myself but I never purposefully plotted to be manipulative and I never did anything to purposefully hurt anyone, though I an see that my behavior was both at times. I regret that I may have inadvertently hurt people. I had major dependency issues, I was self harming, I was impulsive. I was secretive and in denial for a long time. I never lied, I never cheated but I was emotionally draining to the people I love. The difference between myself and a Narc is that I always felt remorseful, I always blamed myself and I always wanted to change. The best way that I've been able to describe it is that it felt like I was in down in a dark shitty hole looking up at everyone living their lives happily and no matter what I did I couldn't get to the light and get out of my own shit pile. My world was dark and I was scared and hurt. I had been misguided by a chaotic childhood, love to me was tumultuous, security was someone reaffirming daily how terrible I was, I had to re-learn healthy love and security and I did that in therapy.

I started therapy when I was 21, looking back now 10 years later I think that had I not sought help I would have become a Narc. I'm watching it happen now to another family member as they've aged. The older they get the more consciously and unapologetically selfish and self centered they become. The worse part is that they believe they are improving because the guilt has gone, and they have new found confidence. They are actively being manipulative to get "ahead". They've taken a "I am who I am" philosophy to life and refuse to improve That person is in a relationship with an enabler. I wasn't, I think that made a big difference.

I'm not totally fixed and I don't know if I ever will be. I cope, I'm mindful of my actions and I examine my mistakes daily while trying not to beat myself up over them. I still read too much into what other people say and I don't take criticism well. I still disassociate in stressful situations and I have a hard time turning off the xbox when I need o go to bed. I still wonder if I'm a bad person and I still worry ore than anything if I'm a narcissist and that all of the things I've done to change have been self serving. I have fleas but I recognize them most of the time and when I don't I have a loving partner who helps me to realize that I'm not on a positive path.

/r/raisedbynarcissists Thread