[Therap-CJ] Vomit in the ball pit

Mt Sinai's psychiatric ward is across the park from me.

This morning I considered going there to sign myself in as a patient.

But I realised it would cost $3,000 and it would achieve nothing. They'd just watch me for a few days and say "well, time to go" and nothing would be fixed or made better. I'd have to tell people where I was and why. Explain the cause of this powerful fluorescence of suicidal urge.

So instead I just stayed here all day and took sleeping pills to remain unconscious for as much of the day as possible.

I am currently waiting for the next lot to kick in hard enough to get me under. I am worried that I will build a resistance, which will leave me shit out of luck.

I just want to be not here. Not anywhere. To just not.

I wish I could commit suicide with a clear conscience. But I can't. All I want is to just stop living. Not to die. To just stop having to live, it's an absurd cruelty that I have to keep on going until something socially acceptable kills me. But I'm stuck here. Trapped.

I'm not strong enough for this. I'm just taking up space. I am sick of it. Goddamn sick of it.

I find myself thinking that if I stopped taking my meds then maybe I'd find the tiredness strong enough to get out. But that's just suicide by degrees. Since I know where it goes, I know what it will do, I know to whom it will be done, I can't even do that.

Life is transparently without meaning or purpose. I will never find lasting happiness. I will never find love. I will die alone and miserable, so why should I have to wait for it?

/r/OkCupid Thread