Therapists of reddit, do abusive people know they are abusive? How are they justifying their behaviour in their minds?

Not a therapist but have had experience in emotionally abusive relationships (family and romantic). I used to believe that on some deeper level they knew what they were doing was wrong and were stricken with guilt. What’s I’ve realised is that they rationalise their behaviour as justified or downplay it as not a big deal. My mother was and still is emotionally and verbally abusive. I used to think that somewhere inside she was tormented with guilt. However when talking to her she says her behaviour is a normal reaction to her psychical pain and therapy has just been used to reinforce that. From a relationship point of view emotional or verbal abuse is never justified as a byproduct of mental health issues, or destructive behaviour from addiction. Whatever someone’s personal issues being abusive is never okay but more often than not the abuser justifies their actions with mental gymnastics. My favourite one is around intentionality and the belief that if someone acts abusively without conscious malice or a direct intention then it’s not abuse.

/r/AskReddit Thread