I don't think any type of counseling will help me. Talking about this stuff helps in the moment when I am seriously having a crisis, then I feel good for a couple of hours, maybe even a day or two, but then I just go back to being depressed for one reason or another. I always know the next depressive episode is around the corner.

I don't think I can ever enjoy this fetish in a healthy manner. It's either all or nothing. I can't count the number of times I've said to myself, I'll only requisition one person for a video and masturbate for thirty minutes which turns into asking 30 different people for videos and edging for the entire night. It always happens. I become a completely different person after I ejaculate. I would describe myself as extremely manic after finishing. I do an OCD-esque routine of cleaning the crime scene so to speak that usually exhausts my mania and puts me back into a depressive mood that may have me just masturbating again right after.

The thing I am most terrified of is that I have school coming up in just a few weeks. I dropped out during my spring semester from stress and falling behind and my mental state has decayed so much further since then. I don't know how I will function during this semester.