There are some things I'd love to discuss with a stranger and get off my chest. 18/M

I don't know how to phrase this so I suppose I'll just type it all out as I think of it. I guess to understand the proceeding wall of text, you need to know that I'm a virgin and I'm 18 (Freshman in college). I know it's cheesy to say but it honestly is by choice. I've had more then my fair share of girls who have made it clear that they want to have sex and for some stupid reason, some unknown reason that even I don't know, I always turn them away. Last night was a prime example of this. I was at a party and this gorgeous girl named Meghan was making moves towards me all night. I've always been great at sweet talking and it was pretty clear that she wanted to have sex. Once this was clear ,though, for whatever reason I started being more distant. Eventually we got into her bed and I actually MADE UP AN EXCUSE not to have sex with this beautiful girl. I basically told her I was already in a relationship and I would feel guilty, so we stayed up until around 6 am talking and flirting. Now I feel like shit today because I blew a huge opportunity and potential made things awkward if I ever see her again.  Maybe it's the media's portrayal of men or how my friends have always acted around girls but I really just don't understand why I act like this. I was bullied for a few years in middle school for whatever reason, and up until about a year ago I didn't really feel confident in who I am (I'm still not quite there). I've always been great at talking to girls, it's just that once I get them to the point where third base is about to happen I always make up some bs excuse not to go further. It's not that I'm nervous, but I kind of think that it might be because I'm scared I'll be bad at it. I also feel as though my sex drive is really low. Obviously I want to have sex, but a meaningful relationship is so much higher on my list. This is only partially related, but I haven't had a serious relationship since freshman year in highschool and at this point I don't have much experience with them. Every girl I've met and liked has been either in a relationship or just hasn't worked out because I moved or something like that. Honestly I just want find the perfect someone to hug and love

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