Brother, I am going to implore you to reach out and talk to someone about this. Your company failed you getting help after the fact of a traumatic episode.

I am formally a correctional officer. I dealt with violence and suicides, but one case stands out, and I can compare it best to your situation.

I just got off FTO program, and it was my 21st birthday. Inmate was booked in and was put into classification, next to the medical station where I was assigned.

This kid (maybe 18) started acting pretty off, didn't make much sense and I started noticing physical symptoms like heavy sweating, pale face, and then he collapsed in front of me and started vomiting.

I call a code and I get him on his back. In this time I am losing him fast. His eyes are what I noticed first, realized he had stop breathing and had a very weak pulse. I didn't have a one way mask so I cleared as best as I could and began rescue breathing, he lost pulse, and then to CPR. I was quickly joined by a Sgt, and we kept trading off on CPR until EMS showed up some time later.

He was dead. We both knew it, but we had to try. We were later informed he swallowed a large amount of heroin in the holding tank so he wouldn't get caught with it, apparently hoping he would just pass it. Safe to say he didn't.

My work didn't care. My wife didn't care. My family did. Not. Care. It wrecked me for awhile, and it still haunts me 13 years later, and I feel like I just can't talk about it because it's been so long. I was previously combat arms and after I left corrections I worked EMS in a metro area, and this still gets to me the most when I think about it outside of incidences involving children.

Please. Do not let this keep eating at you. There is nothing wrong with talking to someone, even if a stranger. The time lost thinking about it and the sleep missing chewing on it isn't worth it.