It was like my scarlet letter. A big A for abuse. You can't be separated from it and you can't stop other people from using it to define you

I have felt this way too. The scarlet letter is a good way to put it. I think seeing women as sort of permanently and intrinsically broken/stigmatized by the abuse is a sort of denial, if we are suffering we are not broken, we are merely debilitated by society's going along with our abuse. (Seeing something as wrong with us is a way to deny the problem in society). btw You broke the rule to not talk about it. And here you start to see how it is not just perpetrators doing the abuse but also other people upholding the social order of men being allowed to abuse little girls. It's a whole hierarchy in the real world with many people buying into it and holding onto it rather than a psychological problem in your mind or psyche. To fix the problem you have to fix the entire social order and everyone buying into it and minimizing not the victims.

If you ever talk to men about child sexual abuse, the weird thing is that they have the opposite denial problem from society, while women survivors are seen as permanently broken and it becomes almost an intrinsic characteristic and in our nature seared into us (fragile little flowers we must be broken for good), men who were abused can never quite get people to fully acknowledge the brokenness, because people who think, "Men are from mars, women are from venus" are very invested in seeing men as invulnerable and unrapeable. Men are supposed to be dominant and sexual abuse exposes the sham of the gender hierarchy. (On the plus side no one doubts their professional ability). I think a lot of men who were abused think that if they could just get the empathy shown to women and acknowledgement of the crushing of abuse they would be better, but they don't realize that we don't get true empathy either. "You're permanently and intrinsically broken" is not empathy. We're not this way by nature, it's the gender hierarchy we were placed under.