Wooh. I'm wanting to give you a hug. A warm embrace of a hug and tell you that it will be ok, you will just have to take on a couple of things. Firstly don't consider suicide with out considering a few things.
Firstly, your friends family and surrounding people would be devastated, and you shouldn't be another cruel thing that happened to make their lives harder for them. You need to tap in to the idea that billions of years of evolution, made you to exist at this point in time. Consider that as a highly evolved person, you are an apex predator, with an evolved mind. How can you use that mind for the greater good? How can your curiosity, and intellect be used to solve at least one problem or one part of life on earth that can be solved for the better?
You say you've been in hospitals - can you at least donate your time or blood or help to some one that might be suffering equally or if not worse than you? Could that one step or scrap of human kindness make a massive difference? Could you with a bit of time and upskilling make more of a difference to more people?
Everyone has had a lost year or two when it just suxed arse and your mind was in this dark place. But from experience, the light and the ability to rescue your self from that is part of the human condition. Do you not owe it to your self to see what that is like when things do actually go right? Would you not want to see what it is like when you do things that gainer approval from others; but this is immaterial as you gainer approval from your self?
To be a bad ass in this day in age takes courage. It takes the leap of anxiety and all that crap that you have, and you say to it "fuck it" I'm going to do this today. I'm going to be here in this moment, eat the shit sandwich that is life because the one thing I do know is that everyday there is a subtle and different change. When there is enough change I will generate a chance for me to do something. Then I'm going to take that chance or generate another chance and another and another, until a series of choices can lead me to another breakthrough. You owe it to your self to give yourself the time for that breakthrough and to never stop trying.
So you can do this.