(2/3 longer than I anticipated) So I move out to college. Everything was great and I felt much better... for a short time. If you have no idea what dysthymia is, it's a chronic, mild depression that can and often does degrade into a major depressive episode. So depression is just kind of your life, but until you know what it's like not living with it, then you have no idea that you don't just have a more depressive personality. Anyway, depression + an addictive personality doesn't mix well. Almost immediately I started self-medicating. When you feel dead inside all of the time, drugs and alcohol offer an escape and it becomes super addicting. It's like either a) be constantly miserable or b) take an easy escape. After years of being miserable, you just want to get away.
So yeah, I developed alcoholism and started abusing alcohol and other drugs. To give you a sense of how big of a problem this was in my life, from 19 - 23 I was almost never sober. I'm talking months, even as much as a year without ever seeing a single sober day. But it was the only thing that truly made me happy, at first. I started out high-functioning, but eventually it became too much of a problem. It helped curb my anxiety, made me much more social, and I was always fun to be around. It didn't make me angry, just... happy. Like I said, this was just at first. Eventually you get used to it, especially when it's every day. Then, just like the stereotype, it loses its effect. Soon it stopped and I was getting fucked up and it wasn't doing anything. I went back to feeling flat unless I got really fucked up. As I mentioned about being high-functioning, it makes it difficult for your friends to figure out that you have a problem. Nothing seemed off on the outside, but on the inside I was fucked up. Oddly enough, drug abuse helped me figure out a lot of what was wrong with me. I was socially stunted because I became a total recluse, very different from how I was earlier on in life. As a result, I wouldn't get the socialization that I needed to learn and grow. Drugs helped patch that up and learn what I had missed the previous years. I had poor interpersonal skills and was really fucked up when it came to developing connections and relationships with people (platonic, familial, romantic) as a result of my fucked up relationship with my brother.
So the first year, everything was somewhat fine. I could get fucked up and still go to school. But, like I said, eventually you feel generally the same on substances as you did prior to them -- depressed as hell. Dysthymia makes you cycle, so things will go well for a short time and then go to shit. After a while of this, I just stopped trying all together because I couldn't get ahead in my current state. So, naturally, I flunked out. This wouldn't be the first time, though. I realized the first time I flunked out that there was something seriously wrong with me. I went to my doctor and then a psychologist. The latter of which misdiagnosed me and didn't really do anything to help. My regular doctor put me on the same meds that I currently take (albeit he missed the complete diagnosis, he was just treating my ADHD and recent major depressive episode), and they helped out a ton. I got my shit together, got readmitted to school and was doing well. But it gave me a sense of overconfidence, and I thought that I didn't need my meds. I went off them and boom everything went to shit again. Flunked out, and now I was in an even deeper hole than I was before. Throughout all of this, I kept everything to myself. I had no idea what was going on with me so I didn't tell anyone. I felt broken and ashamed. As a result I had to lie to my friends and family, and the stress of that builds up really quick. I ended up keeping my personal and academic problems bottled up from my friends and family for a couple of years until there was no more outs and I had to come clean -- huge relief by the way, everything ended up being better once I was clean with everyone.
After the second time I came clean to everyone, like I mentioned, and started to work on fixing my life. I went to a much, much, much better psychologist -- one that actually served the role that I had been looking for. This was paramount in my recovery. He was really smart and helped make sense of things for me, as well as direct me in a positive direction. I started taking my meds again, and I had to slowly build my life back up (working towards getting back into school, getting a job, etc). I essentially had to start from the bottom again, but I was at peace with it. I learned the coping skills necessary to remain positive and productive in life, and I also learned that I will likely need to be on medication for the rest of my life. But you know what? I found a great combination of meds that results in little-to-no side effects, and life is much better as a result. I've finally managed to gain traction in life.
So now, a few things that changed my life.
MDMA -- When I took this I realized how depressed I had been for most of my life. I felt the same happiness that I had felt as a child, but hadn't felt since. But most importantly it gave me a new sense of appreciation for life. I would still get intrusive, suicidal thoughts when depressed, but this experience cemented in my mind that I didn't want to die and that life would always be worth living. No matter how shitty life would get, I realized that I could and would eventually work through any situation life threw at me.
LSD -- This helped my relationships with people. I had a really cynical view towards everyone prior to using LSD, no doubt due to my abuse. LSD and MDMA really helped me patch up a lot of things in my head. I liken it to them opening the door in my mind, so that after I would come down I could go in and explore. Previously those doors were shut. LSD and MDMA were the two drugs that I never abused, only used a handful of times, and were strictly therapeutic.