This is useful but not true. You'll read here that some people experienced violences, others didn't. Infidelity is common but not always there. Some pwBPD were "quiet". Some cut and others didn't. You see people talk about how they were fundamentally incapable of apologizing, ever, but other people say they apologized all the time, way too much. Many people here were ghosted and many have ex's who are still harassing and controlling them.

This extreme view that they're all the same, moreover that they're all the same monster, is just to make us feel better. To make sense of people that don't make sense. We say these people never existed in the first place, so we don't have to miss them or don't let ourselves miss them.

In theory there are 126 different presentations of BPD, according to the 5-of-9 DSM-IV diagnostic criteria. Furthermore the severity is on a spectrum. Of course there's some group of presentations that's disproportionately common, and certain traits they do all share (it's hard to imagine describing someone without "affective instability" as having BPD for instance), but they're far from all being clones of each other or not existing beyond the binary BPD-or-not status.

For certain phases of grief the extreme view heals the pain and protects you from making mistakes which would bring you more pain. I think it's useful. But I don't think it should actually be stated as though it were true. I mean there are other issues apart from dehumanization. You see people here trying to move on but paranoid about every little perceived red flag, and having trouble with that. Preventing themselves from forming new relationships or bailing on them because they believe there are these kind of clones out there. There's other ways it's ultimately damaging to yourself to believe the simple model but that's an example.

It's fine to miss her. Natural. Just don't do anything stupid like pick up the phone.