I was raped 5 months ago. This isn't going to make sense on the surface for some people, but actually, I started an online sex store for couples to promote COUPLE sex. It's my way of fighting against the idea that one night stands, sex with strangers, forced sex, conquering women is cool. It's not. It's for losers.
Keeping my anonymity- like most women, I'm not looking to get the negative attention that comes from confessing to being a victim of rape.
But for the other women who have been through this, and for those who seek to understand.
I am 26 years old. I went to another country for a 4-day conference and didn't get much sleep during that time.
I had a friend living close to where my conference was. We met up for the first time in two years.
During the 4 day conference, I didn't get much sleep, so I was just exhausted and asked if I could take a nap while we were talking at his house. I wasn't keeping good conversation, as my eyes kept closing.
He said he would take a nap too. I knew he liked me, and I also was starting to like him.
While I was napping, I half-way woke up when he started rubbing my vagina area from outside of my shorts. I had my clothes on (exercise shorts and a t-shirt).
I pushed his hand away, still half-sleeping, but he was stronger than me and moved his hand inside my shorts now.
I was still groggy, but woke up quickly now. I said, "No, stop. No, no, no, no, stop it. I'm on my period. Stop. Are you even wearing a condom? Stop. Please." more times than I can accurately count.
He didn't care. He just moved my shorts and underwear to the side, and then forced himself into me.
I tried to move my hands and push him off, but I'm pretty petite (5'4" and 100 lbs). He just put both my wrists in one of his hands, and I was defenseless. I never had that feeling before, of not being able to move my hands. Of not being able to take care of myself.
I left after, he didn't say anything.
I cried, was found by two women, told them what happened, called the police, filed a report, spent 10 hours in interrogation, had a medical exam, my bloody vagina swabbed, photos taken of my naked body, took a prescription for 11 different medications to be taken 3 times a day, plus the morning after pill, and went home.
Physically, for the next seven days, I couldn't move. I was nauseous from the anti-STD medication. They warned me about nausea side effects, but I never knew nausea could be so painful. I was thinking it'd be more like nausea when I got car sick. But that type of nausea is 1-2/10. The medication's side effects nausea was 10/10. My fingers were shaking. My body hurt. I couldn't eat or drink, because it made it even worse. But I couldn't stop taking the medications either. I didn't want to have certain STDs for the rest of my life.
Mentally, I was scared of the world. I felt like I couldn't trust myself to make judgement calls anymore. I felt that I couldn't take care of myself well anymore. I felt I couldn't trust anything. The world, for the first time, felt like it was filled with villains wanting to hurt me. I never thought that guy would have done that. Who else am I foolish for thinking they would never abuse me? Who can I trust?
Several weeks went by, and everyone who I ran into said I seemed different. I told no one, except for two of my best friends. I couldn't tell my parents. It would make them too stressed and sad, and they're both recently diagnosed with illnesses. I didn't want to make their health conditions worse.
I made my world small and protected myself from everyone.
But now, it's been months.
I have, slowly, been reading books on respecting myself, on loving myself, on owning myself and living life to the fullest. I became stronger. Although parts of me inside still need healing, I will say that I have grown to be a fearless woman, and a woman who should be feared. I'm strong inside now.
One thing that really. helped me get better was the sexual abuse non-profits out there. They saved me. They are amazing. I love them.
Even writing this in my office, I am tearing up thinking about the girl I was before they helped me, and how much better I am now. Thank you. It feels so good not to feel helpless anymore.
I loved the work the non-profits did for me and others, and I want to use part of my life to help change the ideas and notions around sex.
It might not change the whole world, but it'll change part of my world. I have to do something.
So, I made a sexy time box for couples.
I think part of the problem with sex crimes is that the idea that one night stands are hot. That overpowering a girl who is saying no is hot. This, Hollywood, hit-songs, and advertisements, is wrong.
I'm really tired of hearing about how 'hitting this' or 'tapping that' is seen as conquering a girl, and how that's supposed to be cool? That's lame. You bachelors are lame and bad at relationships. Guys that can't keep a girl are losers. I really think that rapist are guys who cannot get girls any other way.
Good husbands and boyfriends, on the other hand, need more praise in society.
It is great for a man to care about and be good to a woman. That's not just cool. It's beautiful.
I think sex is best for couples. For people in love, who have consented to and commit to each other.
That's why I created a sexy time box for couples.
We need to progress the idea that THIS is hot. It's hot to make sure your girlfriend or wife is happy and having fun. It's hot to take care of her needs as much as yours.
It feels good for me to have made this side-business that promotes women's pleasure and couple's sexy time. The fact is, sex is a big driver for humans, and I want to do my part in making sure that energy is propelled in a healthy way in our society.
Especially now that I know first hand what it feels like for it to be done in the worst, most unhealthy way. It was so damaging, and the months of time in my life it took to recover is time I'll never get back.
Anyways, creating an online sexy time box for couples has been really healing for me and my view on the world.
For anyone else who has been raped and having trouble grasping reality or feel their perspective of the world is warped, I hear. you. I was there. Ask me anything.
And for anyone else who is curious about how I came to heal, ask me anything.
If you're too shy to ask on here, I want to recommend that you call a sexual abuse hotline in your country. Some of the best people I've met in my life.
If you work for a sexual abuse hotline, thank you for what you do.