3. Has the thought of committing suicide ever crossed your mind? If yes, how did yo...

Has the thought of committing suicide ever crossed your mind? If yes, how did you deal with it?

I had a shotgun in my mouth I said goodbye to my girlfriend. I didn't have the strength to pull the trigger. Gun oil tastes horrible. I fantasize about it every day. I want to do it so badly. But don't have the strength. I don't want to die. I just don't want to be in pain anymore. I want the suffering to stop and the morale will not improve until it does. I love that quote. The beatings will continue until morale improves. My life has fallen apart and is irreparable. What's wrong? Everything. I'm shaking with anxiety as I type this. I remember being on the school bus I'm 8th grade so many years ago and thinking I'll kill myself before I turn 18 if my lige didnt get better. Things have been bad for a long time. I've tried to fix things but you can't fix a broken brain, upbringing, genetics. I never had friends growing up. I never had relationships. No parents. When I was in 4th grade I was bullied. I told my teacher I wanted to leave school and go home because I was tired of being bullied. All I said was I wanted to leave. Somehow they took that as I wanted to kill myself? I don't know how. Anyway I ended up in a mental hospital for 2 weeks. They said I was depressed and gave me zoloft. How can a 4th grader be depressed? I'm sure that did nice things to my brain as it developed. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I've been living aline and working wince I was 16. I graduated and kept working. No friends no relationships. I bought a nice car. I was going through the drive through one night and this girl messaged me on Facebook from years ago high-school. She asked to borrow money. She had a kid and needed it. I was so stupid to do it. Anyway it turned into my first relationship. I was so stupid. We hung out a lot and went out and drank. We had a lot of sex. I'd never had a relationship at this point but had hooked up a lot with girls on tinder. Turns out our few month relationship was a sham because her baby daddy was living with her thr whole time and she just used me to help her pay her bills and take her out. She said she needed help because her job was just part time and her baby daddy wanst paying child support and this and that. Super weird situation. He beat her, he sent me messages saying thanks for the laungeree and shit. I thought the relationship was going good. I was so nieve. It was weird I never went to her house. Anyway that gave me real trust issues that never got resolved and effected future relationships. Also had a girl I dated for a while kill herself with a train. Had a girl cheat on me. Lost an amazing job due to a health issue. I'm pretty sure I have autism for a lot of reasons. Not the rainman autism, but the high functioning kind. But wait there's more. So much more. And then the people will tell you life is so amazing and there's so many reasons to live. I just want the pain to end.

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